wisdom wrote:I've been noticing that as time passes, overall I am less afflicted. However when I am afflicted, they seem to be stronger or more powerful and far more sudden and violent. By violent I mean the severity of the affliction itself. I go from a day, or two, or even three of peace, calm, awareness, and so forth, it doesn't even require a great deal of effort on my part. I can meet 100 challenges and just smile at them, nothing phases me, I realize situations are empty so they don't really affect me. I work in a social environment and when other people start panicking I'm unphased and just work to help the people who are in the most stressful situations in order to relieve the stress of the environment I am in.
Then one thing happens that I don't think of as empty and I freak out, suddenly I hate this world, I hate life, and I start asking myself why I bother doing anything at all, why do I even live? Whatever the thing is, its unpredictable, yet each time I can see that it arose because I didn't recognize that particular thing (for whatever reason) as being empty. Yet even as it happens I have this awareness that I'm doing it and I'm asking myself "Why am I thinking or talking like this? This isn't right, this isn't how I really feel, I don't really hate people or myself or life". And almost as soon as such a horrible and violent affliction arises, I remember that its all empty and it just goes away like it was never there. In the end I don't brood over it and return back to a place of balance.
Am I making progress because my overall afflictions are diminishing? Does the general experience of clarity and equanimity when disturbed make little things seem far, far worse than they really are (due to the contrast)? Its not even like the afflictions can keep me trapped, I just experience them and then I look at them, examine them, and watch them dissolve. But while they happen sometimes I even want to end my life, I wish something would happen to just take me from this horrible existence full of horrible people and constant experiences of suffering.
TLDL: As overall afflictions diminish, what afflictions do arise become more and more severe in my experience of them, even if they only abide for a short time. Am I progressing or am I doing something wrong?
Then one thing happens that I don't think of as empty and I freak out
Am I making progress because my overall afflictions are diminishing? Does the general experience of clarity and equanimity when disturbed make little things seem far, far worse than they really are (due to the contrast)?
But while they happen sometimes I even want to end my life, I wish something would happen to just take me from this horrible existence full of horrible people and constant experiences of suffering.
Yudron wrote:Well, the first thing I want to say is that if your thoughts are going beyond "why should I even live" to making plans to end your life, please seek professional psychological help immediately. This can include calling a suicide prevention hotline, or taking yourself to an emergency room, then establishing a relationship with a mental health professional.
Yudron wrote:My suggestion, as an unenlightened person who is not a teacher, is that you not try to make an effort to make these strong feelings go away, such as forcefully trying to convince yourself that they are empty. Instead, view them as a real gift... because something in them signifies the core of your most precious karmic habit. If you were spaced out and unaware of them you would be clueless about what the raw material you are working with, eh? Then, if you can I would suggest talking to your lama about it. Real wisdom lamas are very interested in this kind of stuff as opposed to the BS questions we usually ask them, and it is your lama's job to guide you about how to liberate and transform this.
ghost01 wrote:Happens to me all the time! For me the key has really been maintaining mindfulness of what's going on inside my mind. What I thought to be sudden 'outbursts', I've discovered are preceded by a chain of other mental events.. you have to discover what leads up to losing control. Once you are able to spot these event before they gain momentum you can stop them.
Am I progressing or am I doing something wrong?
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