Relationships With Non-Buddhists

[waimengwan]

This was practical advice by Rinpoche on having relationships
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YO9yjD_j5HI

[treehuggingoctopus]

But having said that yes desiring relationships and wanting to be in one does create further samsara for us.

As does the desire not to be in a relationship. Or the desire not to desire relationships.

[PadmaVonSamba]

desiring relationships and wanting to be in one does create further samsara for us.

I think, perhaps, "creates further samsara for us" is not quite accurate. The point is well made, but we create samsara for ourselves, and this samsara, this experience of rebirth, is essentially a manifestation of our own attachment.

We can list all of the things that the Buddha advised his followers to abandon according to the vinaya, the monastic tradition. But we can also think of things that he never mentioned. For example, I don't think he said specifically not to climb trees or not to ride horses or whatever. He could have prohibited these activities and many others, but he did not. Why not? Couldn't an individual just as easily become attached to climbing trees or riding horses? Perhaps.

But I think the primary reason for his various prohibitions had to do with how distracting they were, and how much they might keep a person from practicing dharma, and specifically, from watching one's own mind and motivations. When you live as a householder, there are all sorts of worries and responsibilities that you take on. Where will your family live? How will your family be supported? Will your children be safe? What will happen if your spouse dies or becomes seriously ill? These are all important concerns, and as a layperson one can certainly approach these various types of problems mindfully and with compassion, but they are still distractions when compared with a situation where such problems do not arise.

Consider a modern example, say, a medical student, who has committed himself or herself to several years of intense study and practice in order to someday become a doctor. They might forgo all sorts of things that other college students indulge in, and they might postpone getting married until after they graduate, because they are really focused on getting a medical degree and hopefully to be tops in the class. So, it is for very practical reasons that the Buddha advised ways not to become distracted.

But some things, for example, sexual activity, carry a lot of, you might say, "attachment energy" with them. Much more than climbing trees or riding horses. So, the buddha looked at specific things in a very practical way and told his monks, "avoid doing this". But it doesn't mean that every person who isn't a monk or nun will automatically create more conditions for samsara. Sometimes monks and nuns do this too. It really depends on the level of attachment, and how much one clings to the satisfaction or dissatisfaction resulting from events.

.
.
.

[waimengwan]

Is Reification similar to Projection? Wisdom use this terminology.

Thank you PadmaVonSamba well written. Love the monk frothing in his mouth hehe

[PadmaVonSamba]

I think the two words can mean the same thing .

Is Reification similar to Projection? Wisdom use this terminology.

Thank you PadmaVonSamba well written. Love the monk frothing in his mouth hehe

[catmoon]

I think the two words can mean the same thing .

Is Reification similar to Projection? Wisdom use this terminology.

Thank you PadmaVonSamba well written. Love the monk frothing in his mouth hehe

Reification is the addition of attributes to an idea that does not intrinsically possess them. A simple example would be the personification of Liberty as a toga wearing female. As a more subtle example, one may infer existence as an inherent characteristic of things.

Projection is the attribution of an idea one person holds onto another. Usually used in the case of incorrect ideas.

Sometimes the same sometimes not.

[waimengwan]

I need to think more about that.

[Luke]

Maybe I should give a little more context. Our arguments often boil down to our different views, due to me being Buddhist and her, well, not being Buddhist. Particularly, I try to eliminate negative emotions and not express them, whereas she embraces them and believes that expressing them helps you work through things. Fundamentally, she believes that we have evolved to have negative emotions and they are useful for our survival. On the other hand, I look at negative emotions as an aberration to my natural state, and something that I ultimately want to get rid of.

I don't know what type of Buddhism you practice, but you might find reading about Tantric Buddhist ideas interesting because they empasize things like the fact that the five emotional poisons really contain the five wisdoms and that the true nature of the mind cannot be defiled by anything.

Unfortunately, I can't recommend any good links on these topics right now, but maybe some of our other members could.

[PadmaVonSamba]

Hi,

Does anyone have advice on being in a (romantic) relationship with a non-Buddhist? I just moved in with my (non-Buddhist) girlfriend, and we have been arguing a lot.

Thanks.

Getting back to the first post,
Being with somebody who cannot possibly share the joy that you experience,
regardless of the details of the situation
...this is really painful.

[tomamundsen]

Hi,

Does anyone have advice on being in a (romantic) relationship with a non-Buddhist? I just moved in with my (non-Buddhist) girlfriend, and we have been arguing a lot.

Thanks.

Getting back to the first post,
Being with somebody who cannot possibly share the joy that you experience,
regardless of the details of the situation
...this is really painful.

Yea. It hurts to be with all sentient beings knowing that they are suffering and haven't had a glimpse of the dharma.

[Red Faced Buddha]

Maybe I should give a little more context. Our arguments often boil down to our different views, due to me being Buddhist and her, well, not being Buddhist. Particularly, I try to eliminate negative emotions and not express them, whereas she embraces them and believes that expressing them helps you work through things. Fundamentally, she believes that we have evolved to have negative emotions and they are useful for our survival. On the other hand, I look at negative emotions as an aberration to my natural state, and something that I ultimately want to get rid of.

This is just one example. I should also note: although she isn't Buddhist, she is Chinese and was raised in China for 20some years. So, she knows some things about Buddhism and even has Buddhist family.

Me and my wife(who is a Christian)pretty much worked our differences out over what religion our kids were going to be(on Saturdays they usually sit with me next to my altar and pay homage to Amitabha Buddha,on Sundays they go to church.)This used to be no big deal since I used to be an atheist before my conversion to Buddhism.Although I guess we kind of have different circumstances.

[Johnny Dangerous]

My wife is Jewish, so by definition so are my kids..at least culturally. It'll be interesting to see how we work things out as they grow up.

Currently I think the way to approach it is with compassion, meditate on being in the shoes of your partner, 'adopt' their religion and belief system mentally (purely for the sake of a meditation on the subject, not saying stop being a Buddhist or not pretend to agree with them), and go from there. If your partner's religion is a fairly liberal one, it has room to accommodate and appreciate parts of the Dharma, and vice versa. From a Buddhist viewpoint it seems like having a harmonious, healthy, loving, relationship should be a higher priority than trying to convince someone else of "the truth".

[PorkChop]

My wife's former SGI, so she's used to some of it.
She was never taught what she was doing as part of SGI growing up; that's kind of why she left for Christianity.
She seems to be genuinely interested in what I'm learning about, though we have an agreement not to try to convert each other.
My kid(s) are going to be raised Christian, just because it's easier where we live.
I'll give them Dharma-based advice for how to approach certain situations when appropriate, and if they show any interest in Buddhism when they're older, I'll help them anyway I can.

I think my wife much prefers an aspiring Buddhist-noob to a jaded Catholic/Christian.

[Ayu]

Hi,

Does anyone have advice on being in a (romantic) relationship with a non-Buddhist? I just moved in with my (non-Buddhist) girlfriend, and we have been arguing a lot.

Thanks.

Maybe it's more easy when the partner is open minded and oneself doesn't want to proselytize.

I am married with an atheist (mathematician) for long time and we live in good harmony. He appreciates the benefits of the buddhism: I changed and life is better for him since...

Our secret: to live and let live.

But Buddhism is never a topic of conversation for us. That's why I hang around in buddhist forums.

[PadmaVonSamba]

Hi,

Does anyone have advice on being in a (romantic) relationship with a non-Buddhist? I just moved in with my (non-Buddhist) girlfriend, and we have been arguing a lot.

Thanks.

Maybe it's more easy when the partner is open minded and oneself doesn't want to proselytize.

I am married with an atheist (mathematician) for long time and we live in good harmony. He appreciates the benefits of the buddhism: I changed and life is better for him since...

Our secret: to live and let live.

But Buddhism is never a topic of conversation for us. That's why I hang around in buddhist forums.

...my situation exactly (except for the math part) !!!

[Ayu]

...my situation exactly (except for the math part) !!!

Hey! Sister!

[waimengwan]

Could it be sometimes when people are confronted with something in their past, they want to show they have gone beyond that?

To show she is a good whatever religion she may be, as she has some insecurities about her own religion.

Well if the cool/non temperamental buddhist attitude does not work perhaps you need to try the opposite without really losing your cool actually.