I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this but maybe it is.
I really apologize for the length of this post, especially if my confusion is very apparent even though I lack the ability to solve it myself.
I feel a significant connection to HH the Dalai Lama and also to Kalachakra but I am unsure if I should attend this summer in India.
Since I do not have a root guru I will just explain my exact circumstances here because I am confused and unsure of what to do right now.
Three years ago I became interested in cyclical time and found out that kalachakra cosmology existed and became interested in Buddhism.
I went to the bookstore to see if there was anything on Kalachakra, because I didn't know HYT was secret at the time, and only found a book called Shambhala Sacred Path of the Warrior by Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche, which I bought and read some of. I found this book very helpful over the next two years. I feel very connected to CTR, his teachings, and lineage, but also I feel a deep connection with the Gelug and Sakya lineages.
About a year and a half ago, I was in a lot of pain because a girl I loved and was with for almost two years had become depressed and began despairing in the nature of the world and believing that everything was good except for her own nature. I was contemplating what to do about this, and realizing that it was actually the world that causes depression, came to the conclusion that the only thing that could be done was to somehow awaken all beings to a way of life that did not cause this suffering. At this point, a green/turquoise woman appeared and was embracing me and said "don't be afraid, just hold my hand."
After this, I realized I had only really come to this conclusion because in the CTR books enlightened society is talked about and the ways to create it, fundamental dignity, basic goodness, etc. So I went on the internet to look up some information about Shambhala (since I had only read the books) and found out that it is a lineage.
I am confident that the woman in my vision was Arya Tara, although I understand she is not a real woman, etc.
Since this event, I joined the local Shambhala center, have been to many events and retreats, and taken refuge.
I also attended a White Tara initiation generously given by HH Sakya Trizin, and took the bodhisattva vows and promised to receive and wholeheartedly practice ngondro as soon as possible. In the Shambhala tradition, one does not receive ngondro or tantric initiation for a long time.
I feel very out of place, as I've been initiated into tantra and received bodhisattva vows without ngondro, and it will take me some years (maybe 3 or so) until I am able to receive ngondro.
I feel sure that Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche will be my root guru, for reasons I cannot really explain clearly, but I cannot make that request until I complete ngondro.
I found out that HH Dalai Lama was giving the Kalachakra initiation in Leh in 2014, and I feel a great connection with this place, with HHDL, and with the teachings. I have very little money, but my parents would like to give me a graduation present (I am graduating college in May), and so I asked if maybe I could go to India. They said yes and then I felt bad because of the cost, but luckily then my grandparents offered to pay for some of it as well, so everything has been going perfectly, in a sense. I feel like I am ready to make a lifelong practice commitment, even if later on I must make more practice commitments - this is not a problem for me.
However, I am experiencing some doubt as to whether or not I should actually attend this initiation, and I do not feel like it would make sense to go only to receive the blessing, as it is a 2 day journey that costs many thousands of dollars. This doubt comes from the three-ish years that I would be practicing HYT without completion of ngondro or a root guru.
Maybe I am not feeling connections but rather the desire to receive "higher teachings" but I know that all practices can lead to enlightenment - Tara and Kalachakra are just what I feel most connected to.
Possibly connected with these doubts, I have been having dreams of vajra gurus since I attended the White Tara initiation.
Including HH Dalai Lama, HH Sakya Trizin, the 16th Karmapa, Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche, and Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche. In my dream of HHDL, he was combatting hordes of invaders (this happened months before I found out about the kalachakra initiation in Leh this summer). However, it was only in my dreams with CTR and Sakyong Mipham that I was actively receiving any teachings. Coincidentally, after I dreamt of the Sakyong, I had the opportunity to meet him on my birthday while attending a talk and transmission he was giving. So maybe there is something to the dream of HHDL as well, and therefore I should go to Kalachakra this summer... but maybe they are simply projections of my ego and I should not go to Kalachakra this summer.
Edit: I completely forgot about this dream and just remembered... I had a dream I was on an airplane and we landed in the Himalayas, where an initiation was taking place and many people, gurus, peaceful and wrathful deities were there. The plane then taxi'd past the initiation and barely into the mountains, where a worldly spirit was howling and nobody was allowed to get out, at which point I got out and confronted it, but then woke up. (so again who knows... )
Thank you very much for reading this probably quite unnecessarily long post!
As Tantra often involves vows and samaya related to secret practice, this sub-forum has been created where Vajrayana practitioners can pose questions, and any of our members or staff can reply confidentially by PM.
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