Family

[Dave The Seeker]

I have an issue that I'm just not sure how to deal with.
My dad who's 77 this year is suffering from Alzhimers and my mom is a person who is totally absorbed in herself. She doesn't talk to me really, since I gave up drinking and drugs, almost 5 1/2 months ago, she may have said 100 words to me. Now my dad isn't that bad yet, but also not that good either.
She is getting ready to have him declared mentally unable and put him in a home.
I heard this from someone she's been talking too. This will kill my dad.
She's doing this because his condition is not letting her do as she likes. Not be around and going where ever she wishes. Now with their insurance and financial situation she could easily afford and get in home care. As I have mentioned before we have a large family farm and this is my dads life. If he's taken away from it I know it will kill him. It's all he's done his whole life and loves it.
My mom and brothers are all very self absorbed people, it's all me me me with them. I am far from perfect, but I do try my best to put others before my feeble needs/wants. I keep the farm running for my dad's sake, I would much rather not be here doing this. But dad has always looked out for us, so I'm doing my best to look out for him and his happiness while he can still remember.
My mom is also a person who uses people. If she has a use for you you are her friend.......until that "use" no longer exists. Then you're gone from her life and someone who is useless, according to her.

My brothers don't care, as I've tried to talk with them. I'm the oldest son and also what most consider the "black sheep" of the family. If I could I'd take my dad in, but that is no way fesable or possible.

I've overcome a lot of the hostility I have for my mom recently, she was a very abusive alcoholic when I was young. And I mean very abusive. She was investigated numerous times for child abuse as my hospital visits were a regular occurence. I do try to mind my breath when these things come to mind and that helps a lot. As each day I deal with my dad and can see when she's been hostile with him. In his disease it's easy to tell when she's jumped all over him for something.

Not sure how to deal with things and hope someone could give me a little advise.


Kindest wishes, Dave

[PadmaVonSamba]

I remember a student asking a teacher about a problem which was different in nature, but which was about the anxiety she felt about one of her parents, resulting from a lot of dysfunctional problems that they had when she was growing up.

He said that a lot of people have problems, and that includes parents. Before they became our parents, they already had problems (we don't usually think of our parents being like us, full of anxieties, terrible secrets, and things like that). Unfortunately, that is how the situation is. Buddha said that beings are tormented by all kinds of suffering, and parents make a lot of mistakes.

...

For the most part, everything people do, even really awful things, they do because they think it will bring them happiness. You mom sounds like a perfect candidate for this description. But their actions only bring more suffering. It sounds like your father is really suffering, or may be suffering more in the future. But when you think about it, your mom is really suffering! I am not trying to dismiss the importance of what you have told. Both my parents are gone, and my mother passed away very slowly and with a lot of mental breakdown. This is a big crisis for millions of people right now. At least your father will have people to (maybe) take care of him. It doesn't look as bright for your mom. Who wants to take care of an abusive, self-absorbed person like that?

There is a great quote by Shantideva, something like "Suffering comes from seeking happiness for oneself. Happiness comes from seeking happiness for others." If you think about it, this is really true. I feel bad for your father (my dad grew up on a farm) and also for you. But for your mom, maybe just pity. So for your own sanity it will help to have compassion for her as well as love for your father.

On the practical side, talk to an attorney. And discuss living wills and power of attorney. Also, if all of this is taking place in the United States, see if you can get your dad to give you all of his money and property now. No, I am not telling you this so you can cash in early. But unless your dad is broke, all of his savings will be drained to pay for his expensive needs that will bre coming up. It's better if you are keeping his money, for his needs, in your name.

[Dave The Seeker]

Thank you Padma.
I have developed a little bit of compassion for my mom. I guess with time and more studies/understanding/practicing of The Path I'll have more.
But all in all, I'd do what ever it took to care for her if I could.
And I can see she is not a happy person, seems more lonely than most I know.

As to the finances, mom has already talked with an attorney I'm sure. But the farm is running on a shoe string. Not a large profit with some of dads decisions, but when the time comes I'll leave and let the family sell out. I've been here for the last 17yrs working with dad full time. Before that it was part time. But I feel blessed to have had so many great/trying times together with him.

I guess each and every experience we have is a learning experience if we accept what has happened as a lesson. Looking at it that way, I've began to learn compassion. And for me that is a major accomplishment.

Thanks again my friend.
Kindest wishes, Dave

[Thrasymachus]

What you write is typical or what is now normal. Where I live nursing and retirement homes are everywhere. This is what several hundred years of the ideal of the economic human of capitalist invention who acts selfishly only to maximize his/her rational self-interest against those in his/her environment, even family has brought us to. The old or infirm are dumped off into "professional care" when they are considered too much of a burden. In almost every other society in human history your mother would have been shunned for her behavior, but she and your family are the ones shunning you for trying to vibrate at a higher level. for attempting be more self-actualized, conscious and caring.

I listen often to the radio program of Gary Null via Podcast. He says he has worked with people to successfully reverse in-stage alzheimers using wellness protocols he developed. I never paid that close attention(doesn't involve me or those I know), but it involves mega-doses of anti-oxidants, vitamins, chelating out toxins like heavy metals from the blood, tissue and organs, especially the brain, and adopting a plant based vegan diet. Another thing I remember is he has read many studies on his program about the impact of human environment on this condition. Basically if you don't use your brain's faculties you lose mental acuity and the ability to recall info. Those who stay socially and mentally isolated in old age have a higher probability to develop alzheimers. It sounds like your mother is self-centered and perhaps distant. So even living together with her, maybe he still had minimal interaction and mental stimulation with her or anyone else verbally.

Here is an article he wrote on reversing Alzheimer's:
Anti Aging Part 2: Brain Boosters

[Dave The Seeker]

Thank you Thrasymachus,

As you said, when our elders become what some may consider a burden, they are cast aside.
This is a horrible way to treat those who gave us life and all we have learned.
I have accepted being shunned by my family, it's happened for so long it's old hat to me.

Dad has always been active, socially and mentally.
He still goes into town everyday for lunch and talks with the other old guys lol.
He is a member of Rotary International and was an district governor up until a few years ago.'
About the same time his ability to operate the technical equipment in our equipment was going down hill.
As farm equipment has radar, tracking monitors and such now days.
I noticed small things about 7 yrs ago, and made mention to mom and my brothers (neither live near us) that dad needed to be checked out. Figured they could possibly talk him into seeing a doctor about this.
His mother died of dimensea and I was seeing the things I saw in Grandma happening.
They ignored me and until about 18 months ago he was never really checked out.
So he is in the more advanced stages, sadly.

I will check out that link and maybe find a way to slow things down, if I can convince him to change his diet.

Thanks my friend.
Kindest wishes, Dave

[catmoon]

Have you looked into this?

http://www.vancouversun.com/health/Cancer+drug+reverses+Alzheimer+mice+Study/6127899/story.html

[Thrasymachus]

Conventional cancer treatments like chemo and radiation will kill healthy humans after enough rounds. Also humans are not mice so there is no indication it will even work. I don't know about bexarotene, but knowing the Pharmaceutical industry criminals it will be highly toxic and it will also l take a while to come to market.

There is no side-effect to taking something like EDTA(Ethylene diamine tetraacetic acid) to chelate out heavy metals, it probably will cost less and is already here and used by an informed minority to reverse Alzheimer's. Switching to a plant based diet supplemented with several glasses of green juices a day could meet alot of resistance, though. Most people would rather rather live with rehabilitating health consequences to the end or die just to keep in stasis their particular addictions of comfort, instead of pursuing diet and lifestyle modification.

[catmoon]

Should I put you down as "not interested", then?

[Dave The Seeker]

Sorry I didn't reply Cat, read it and was out the door that day.

I'll be following the results when the test trials are done. Also today I'll send the link to one of my brothers as he has contact with dads doctor at the Cleveland Clinic. Thanks for posting the link my friend.

Kindest wishes, Dave

[greentara]

This is indeed a sad story. Selfishness often thrives in family situations, often a hotbed of suppressed emotions.
I remember a story told about Nisargadatta Maharaj. I can't remember the exact quote but I'll paraphrase: A man came to see Maharaj and complained of all the troubles he had with his mother over the years and how he felt she had never loved him. Nisargadatta paused, then replied but that doesn't stop you loving her.
When I read that I knew that this was love in action. This sort of teaching is coming from a much deeper level then the drama of our daily lives.