Making choices.

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Making choices.

Postby lordneg » Wed Sep 25, 2013 2:04 am

I am very new to Buddism. I have a question. My ex and I broke up a while back. We didnt talk for a while. but during that time I have Buddism and changed alot. Its been about 6 months now and We have since started hanging out and becomeing friends again. The problem is I still have deep feeling for her other then friendship. So Im stuck as to do I stay friends with her and suffer knowing I want to be more then just friends, or should I not be friends with her and suffer because I miss her. I know either way the feelings will only last so long. Thnks Glenn
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Re: Making choices.

Postby Qing Tian » Wed Sep 25, 2013 2:25 am

Drop the agenda...

This is the singularly most useful piece of advice I have ever been given or have given to others regarding relationships (of any type).

... and relax. :smile:
“Not till your thoughts cease all their branching here and there, not till you abandon all thoughts of seeking for something, not till your mind is motionless as wood or stone, will you be on the right road to the Gate.”
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Re: Making choices.

Postby greentara » Wed Sep 25, 2013 2:54 am

Qing Tian, "Drop the agenda...." There are strong emotions here, unrequieted desire. Does that mean ticking the mental boxes and deciding best to move on if you can? Or is it better just to exhale and let go?
Certainly keeping in close contact with someone that's ultimately causing you misery is not giving you any inner peace.
Mostly time is a great healer, someone you had strong feelings for years ago hardly causes a ripple when you run into them now.
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Re: Making choices.

Postby Karma Dorje » Wed Sep 25, 2013 3:12 am

Qing Tian wrote:Drop the agenda...

This is the singularly most useful piece of advice I have ever been given or have given to others regarding relationships (of any type).

... and relax. :smile:


This is great advice. Don't torment yourself with hopes and expectations. That is real suffering. Just let things be and focus on your friend instead of what you want.
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Re: Making choices.

Postby lordneg » Wed Sep 25, 2013 3:27 am

So my agendas, are I want to be in a relationship with her so I am hanging out with her in hopes the old flames will rekindle. Or I stop hanging out with her and miss her. As I see them. Im still stuck as to which way to go. Both choice seem to leave me miserable. so Im still not sure what to do. thnks Glenn
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Re: Making choices.

Postby Qing Tian » Wed Sep 25, 2013 7:24 am

I guess I was being a little cryptic.

By 'drop the agenda' I meant that you should stop seeing this person as a potential life partner and start seeing them as a person with whom you enjoy spending time. Be there for her and not for you. Any thoughts of what may happen, what you would like to happen, or how you can influence either of these is going to seriously colour your interaction with your friend.

Once upon a time I knew a girl, she was a few years older than me, and we spent an incredible amount of time together simply because we felt truly comfortable with each other. At the time she insisted that men and women can never be 'just friends' and I disagreed, but we never fought over it. Then, one day, I realised that I had fallen in love with her. As we had such a trusting relationship I told her (to her face). She was shocked, she didn't know what to say, she didn't know how to act... she told me she didn't want us to hang out anymore. Far from being gutted by this I accepted it for what it was. I was disappointed to be sure, but one cannot force another to feel the same way as you. We barely spoke for about a week.

All of a sudden though she resumed our friendly relationship. It wasn't that nothing had happened, rather it was that she now knew that I really cared and that I was happy to have a friend I felt deeply about than no friend at all. We had a great time. A lot of people thought we were a couple, many were amazed we weren't, and yet it did not matter. We were content the way things were. Later she moved away and we lost contact. When I think of her I am still visited with the warmth of my feelings for her. This is not a sad thing, or a painful thing, but something filled with the joy of loving another without any expectations at all.

Sometimes I wonder about what might have been, and I feel wistful. One thing I am sure of though is that my life has been made immeasurably richer for having been her friend, even if for a relatively brief time.

As Khalil Gibran noted in The Prophet

And a youth said, "Speak to us of Friendship."
Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And he is your board and your fireside.
For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.
When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the "nay" in your own mind, nor do you withhold the "ay."
And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;
For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.
When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.
And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.
And let your best be for your friend.
If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.
For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.


Hope that helps a little.
“Not till your thoughts cease all their branching here and there, not till you abandon all thoughts of seeking for something, not till your mind is motionless as wood or stone, will you be on the right road to the Gate.”
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Re: Making choices.

Postby lordneg » Thu Sep 26, 2013 1:53 am

Thank you all for the responces. They are of a great help. I have been working hard on being friends with her and being there for her with no expectations, even though I want there to be more. Quin That helps alot it seems to be very close to whats going on now. Thnks again. Glenn
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Re: Making choices.

Postby LionelTeo » Fri Sep 27, 2013 10:54 am

Hello and Good Greetings to you Lorgneg,

Welcome to the forum and welcome being a dharma practitioner.

My suggestion to you is to be honest with her and accept the outcome.

As a Buddhist we should know and understand of the 5 precepts, not lying, is one of the precepts to follow. This is because not telling the truth is the same as lying. Many times we human have perform guilty actions, we chooses not to tell the truth to hide our guilty actions, this is worse than lying. Rather than not telling the truth, why don't we tell the truth and explain our actions, if we have guilty desires, then why don't we eliminate this guilty desires then we won't be afraid to tell the truth. If there is a thought within you, then it is better to tell the truth to her and explain to her why you feel so.

If she rejects you, then you should accept the outcome. If you have not been hungry before and always feeling full, you would not taste the tastiest food on earth, happiness is not for those who refuse to accept or avoid suffering. Only through the acceptance of suffering only that we can understand and feel happiness after the acceptance of suffering.

What you are doing right now is refusing to accept the suffering of the situation given to you, you are in a delima whether to give up on her or not. I may not understand your situation best as you or others, but running away from the truth which is the resulted of your delima will makes you suffer more. Forget about the past that you have broke with her and forget about the future whether you will be with her, these are not important. Focus on the present, what is more important is being truthful rather than hiding it. If you have done noting wrong, then you will have noting to fear of hiding it.

Let me share with you a small story on acceptance of suffering.

Weeks ago, me and my girlfriend went to this cafe to order the a big original waffle. They serves us with plenty of the speciality made sauce which makes the waffle taste great. Yesterday, me and my girlfriend went to the same cafe again ordering the same food, they decided to cut down on the sauce, presenting to us only 1/3 of the orginal amount we received. So we request for more sauce, their response is that to have more sauce, we had to pay an additional 1 dollar. I agree, after topping up the sauce then we received the same amount of sauce (total up) we get as previous time.

Moments later I ask my girlfriend on the sauce, she seems a little bit unjustified that they have cut down so much sauce as compare to last time. I let her know and share with her that in life we have to learn to accept the outcome of many matters such as this, if I will to be so particular and not able to accept the reduction in sauce, I would not have an enjoyable meal.

So be honest with her and accept the outcome as it is, you have to learn to accept the possible outcome of her decision, for everything in life that we have attachment to, we will lose them eventually. Even if she accept you, you will lose her eventually one day (through death or separation).

However, this does not means that we shouldn't possess things or be in a relationship, but through the understanding of this concept then we know that in life things that we possess/attach will be lost eventually, and what is more important is the focus and learning realising happiness within ourselves and focus on cherishing the ones around us.

Whatever her decision will result in the same outcome eventually, you will lose her, it is not important when you will lose her in the future. It is more important that you focus to show her your compassion that you are willing to love her again, and show her kindness that you are willing to take care of her. Even if she does not accept you and she simply wants to be friend with you, it is her choice of to think that being with you will suffer, then you should wish her the best for the future. :smile:

In Short, I will offer directly and indirectly
Every benefit and happiness to all beings, my mothers
I will practice the in secret taking upon myself
All their harmful actions and suffering

Taken from Eight Verses of Mind Transformation


Lastly, have a great day ahead and I wish you for the best. :smile:. :namaste:
Everyone wants to be praise
Everyone wants their point to be agree on
Everyone wants fame and fortune
Everyone wants to avoid suffering, but for some had choose to do so by inflicting pain to others.

Live by prasing, agreeing with people around.
Accepting defeat and offering victory.
Happiness is not for those had choose to avoid suffering
The tastiest food in this world is not for those who choose to not to accept hunger
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Re: Making choices.

Postby lordneg » Sat Sep 28, 2013 3:45 am

Thnk you lionelteo. I am afraid of telling her, I have hinted at it some, but i do fear her answer will be she just wants to be friends. Then I will have to walk away, I have already done this once and it hurt. I dont really want to have to do it again. When she and I are just living in the moments. We get along great like we always have, its when we bring up the past or argue about the future things start to get ugly. Its so hard to not bring up those things. I do my best but I fail time and again. I will tell her, this weekend. I want to thnk everyone for there help. I am so new to this and I feel its the right path for me, but its hard to learn to walk when you have been on your face for so long. thnks glenn
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Re: Making choices.

Postby PadmaVonSamba » Sat Sep 28, 2013 4:08 am

Right now, it's like you are riding on a storm.

It's good to admit the fat that you still have those feelings, but
admit the fact that what you desire will not happen.

The causes of attraction will slowly evaporate
and the bright light of that attraction will grow dim too.

Eat some chocolate, treat yourself to something special
and be aware that another heart may be looking for you.

Don't you know that love will find you, wherever you are:

Here...watch this. It's only like, 3 minutes long.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WDiZb3LU9tA
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Re: Making choices.

Postby LionelTeo » Sat Sep 28, 2013 8:30 pm

Good Morning Lordneg,

You have made a really brave decision. That is a really a great choice of telling the truth instead of lying. I praise you for your decision to confront to your fears.

What is more important is on how you view the outcome of her decision. In this world, everyone do not want to suffer, some do so by possessing wealth, seeking fame, reputation. Some do so by hatred, blame and slandering others. Think of your enemies or friends who have betrayed you before, a muderer who have prey on countless victims with sadistics acts, or your relative who slander and scold you; are they not the same trying not to suffer? Essentially, everyone is the same. Everyone wanted to be praise, have people agree with their point, seeking ways to avoid suffering at the demise of others.

Prior before praticising the dharma, I came from a stressful life. I study non-stop everyday in addition to working. I studied about 12000 pages in two years time, took many exams and obtain many certifications, pursuit in the endless hamster chasing wheel like others. In addition, my girlfriend would scold me frequently, even when my exams were near. She would scold me whenver I make a mistake, or whenever she thought of something unhappy. We quarrel about once per week, sometimes she would scold me for a few hours up to a three day, then follow up with non-stop topic of claiming I don't love her, asking for breakups, or threaten to shutdown her facebook, blogs and asking me to block her on facebook. Once I even fought with my dad, have a cut by a screwdriver across my chest, thought of sucicide a few times, and cried frequently. :toilet:

After practicising the dharma, my view on the world change significantly. I accept and understand that stress is just part of the mental habits, my view on stress changed and no longer feel them while I continue to study while working at the same time. When my girlfriend scold me and was filled with so much negative energy, I can see easily that she is just trying not to suffer and wanted me to agree to her point. I took a calm approach and simply agree to her, apologise and let her know I will change. Praise her and let her know that I understand how much she matters about me that is why she is so angry. In fact, she was still scolding me the whole of yesterday and today. But after her anger she is so happy that I no longer have any temper and she likes it now how I could give in to her so easily. :smile:

Whatever her decision is, understand is her choice of not to suffer. Praise her and let her know she was a great friend and a great ex girlfriend before; apologise to her for the things you have done wrong and the anger you have potrayed wrong to her before. Continue to show her the kindness and compassion and let her know how you enjoy her companionship as her friend, and tell her the truth to your feelings and ask if she would want to be with you again. Even if she wants to be friend then let her know how great a friend she was.

Remember whatever things/items and objects you possess or wanted to possess with be lost eventually. This doesn't mean that we cannot possess things, but we should learn to understand on the things that we possess or wanted to possess will be lost eventually and we have to learn to accept it. When you understand that the true self of everyone is just the results of the 5 skandas, we can realise the happiness within ourself, we can lead a life of showing compassion, kindness, prasing others, giving in to people; avoiding emiting negative karma that harm others and learn to accept those negative feelings and pass it off our mind. Simple greetings like good morning, thank you and have a great day can also make someone day, try keeping up those simple words to any stores you visit when purchasing things and you will realise the world can be a really much happier place.

I wish the best of luck to you. Whatever her decision and outcome is, remember to continue to show compassion, praise, kindness, and continue to cherish the poeple around you. :twothumbsup:
Everyone wants to be praise
Everyone wants their point to be agree on
Everyone wants fame and fortune
Everyone wants to avoid suffering, but for some had choose to do so by inflicting pain to others.

Live by prasing, agreeing with people around.
Accepting defeat and offering victory.
Happiness is not for those had choose to avoid suffering
The tastiest food in this world is not for those who choose to not to accept hunger
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