I am very grateful for all the thoughtful answers and suggestions I have received
I have to say I was impressed by Matt J
's blog link. It put a few things in perspective for me.
Again thank you kirtu, Jikan and duckfiasco
. All of your comments have been especially helpful.
I realize I got so caught up in form rather then substance and focused on details rather then just being.
Zen can be very difficult do decipher depending on point of view, even from within the tradition itself.
There are many teachers who speak of dhyana and samadhi, on techniques and focus. Language all Buddhists understand and yet still others seem so rogue speaking of just
sitting as practice and no further comment.
And it has to be said that unbalanced teachers can become too cryptic. My own teacher before I moved told me to count the breath. Even with my frustrations he only suggested this and spinned these prepacked zen anecdotes. So for years I'v been feeling a failure.
Now with your helpful comments and tips I feel good about my practice. I can't say if I'm attaining more but I do relax, doing the practice without straining effort to become
something. Just sitting, being, breathing.Gassho