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How did I get here??? - Dhamma Wheel

How did I get here???

A discussion on all aspects of Theravāda Buddhism
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Beautiful Breath
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How did I get here???

Postby Beautiful Breath » Wed Mar 21, 2012 10:57 am

Hi all,

Bit of an odd request I guess, but here goes.

I have been studying and practising Buddhism for over 25 years now. Predominantly Tibetan in the Gelug tradition but of late been erring towards Theravada for reason rendering. I have recently immersed myself in a new relationship with a wonderful woman and we're very happy, getting married later this year and have even talked about the possibility of having a child. On a 'worldy' level she is stunning and I am constantly chuckling to myself as to how men (and often women) react when they see her...she really is beautiful.

So, what the issue? Well I am starting to find that I may have unwittingly wrapped myself in a very think suit of Desirous Attachment. I am starting to experience many negative emotions such as jealousy and low self esteem....even ruminating about her previous partners...! Its UTTERLY ridiculous, it goes again all that I have learned and understood and I really have no idea how to reconcile these feelings.

If anyone can offer some advice that may get me back on track I would be eternally grateful!

Yours, (very confused!!!) _/\_

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Ben
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Re: How did I get here???

Postby Ben » Wed Mar 21, 2012 11:13 am

I understand what you are saying, having been there myself.
A wise man once said that 'love is the mother of misery' - and I think its true that you are experiencing this for yourself.
Continue with your practice and don't let it go and remain mindful of those uncomfortable dhammas as they rise and fall.
There is also some asubha (contemplation of unattractiveness) practices but I wouldn't recommend those unless you were under the guidance of a teacher.
Wishing you all the very best,

Ben
“No lists of things to be done. The day providential to itself. The hour. There is no later. This is later. All things of grace and beauty such that one holds them to one's heart have a common provenance in pain. Their birth in grief and ashes.”
- Cormac McCarthy, The Road

Learn this from the waters:
in mountain clefts and chasms,
loud gush the streamlets,
but great rivers flow silently.
- Sutta Nipata 3.725

(Buddhist aid in Myanmar) • •

e: [email protected]..

santa100
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Re: How did I get here???

Postby santa100 » Wed Mar 21, 2012 12:58 pm

Make sure your girlfriend has both inner and outer beauty. Inner beauty is extremely important. Regardless of how physically beautiful a woman is, all that will disappear in 10-20 years time. What is left is inner beauty. And if one doesn't have inner beauty, one has nothing left..

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Beautiful Breath
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Re: How did I get here???

Postby Beautiful Breath » Wed Mar 21, 2012 1:34 pm


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daverupa
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Re: How did I get here???

Postby daverupa » Wed Mar 21, 2012 2:05 pm

"Sorrow, lamentation, pain, grief, and despair are born from those who are dear, arise from those who are dear."
~MN 87

santa100
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Re: How did I get here???

Postby santa100 » Wed Mar 21, 2012 2:06 pm

Of course for this default answer, a 9-year old kid could understand, but a 90-year old man could have problem remembering it..

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Dan74
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Re: How did I get here???

Postby Dan74 » Wed Mar 21, 2012 2:14 pm

Very little actually works when we are in the grip of desire.

Perhaps the key question is the title of this thread - "how did you get there?" And what/who is keeping you there?

Until this is answered, at least a bit, nothing we are going to say here is going to make much different, I am afraid.
_/|\_

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SDC
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Re: How did I get here???

Postby SDC » Wed Mar 21, 2012 2:31 pm

Good points so far.

It seems that having a relationship with a nice, beautiful woman is of great importance to you. You're not the only one. This most likely began developing in childhood, which means that much of who you are is built around this idea. It is well protected and hard to alter at this point, so don’t be discouraged that your practice doesn’t seem to be of any use. This is evident in your current feelings about the situation in that you want to protect the relationship because your mind is telling you that you are involved in a great, borderline perfect, situation.

My advice is to challenge the idea that love (not including metta obviously) SHOULD or COULD be perfect. It seems you want this to be the case.

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David N. Snyder
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Re: How did I get here???

Postby David N. Snyder » Wed Mar 21, 2012 4:04 pm

You said you have been practicing Buddhism for 25 years and that you guys are thinking of having a child. It sounds like she might be much younger than you? Nothing wrong with that, but that may be contributing to the self-esteem / insecurity issues. You might be thinking that she might leave you for someone younger since she is beautiful?

Do you both practice the Dhamma? That is an activity where you can grow together.
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ground
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Re: How did I get here???

Postby ground » Wed Mar 21, 2012 8:42 pm

When self feels like a loser it is celebrating itself.

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Zom
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Re: How did I get here???

Postby Zom » Wed Mar 21, 2012 8:59 pm


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retrofuturist
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Re: How did I get here???

Postby retrofuturist » Wed Mar 21, 2012 11:37 pm

"Do not force others, including children, by any means whatsoever, to adopt your views, whether by authority, threat, money, propaganda, or even education." - Ven. Thich Nhat Hanh

"The uprooting of identity is seen by the noble ones as pleasurable; but this contradicts what the whole world sees." (Snp 3.12)

"To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead" - Thomas Paine

ignobleone
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Re: How did I get here???

Postby ignobleone » Thu Mar 22, 2012 4:17 am


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ground
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Re: How did I get here???

Postby ground » Thu Mar 22, 2012 4:35 am


Buckwheat
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Re: How did I get here???

Postby Buckwheat » Thu Mar 22, 2012 3:44 pm

Sotthī hontu nirantaraṃ - May you forever be well.

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David N. Snyder
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Re: How did I get here???

Postby David N. Snyder » Thu Mar 22, 2012 4:06 pm

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YouthThunder
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Re: How did I get here???

Postby YouthThunder » Thu Mar 29, 2012 4:50 pm



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