I am sorry to hear about your suffering. Tranquility and compassion help with all problems. Reciting the refuge prayer is also always very good and helpful.
tempuserus wrote:but i do realize some of the greastest masters were considered before becoming monks well crazy but with the influence of modern society.....
The question is "crazy" by whose definition? To many mainstream people, just finding out that a person practices Buddhism is enough to make them think that he or she is a bit crazy. Actually devoting one's life to Dharma? Most mainstream people would call that "insanity"! But it's better not to worry about foolish people's standards and to concern yourself with the standards of bodhisattvas instead.
tempuserus wrote:so in thailand theravada to be transsexual means we did something wrong in a prevouis life but i am learning that in my past lives this isnt the case could this be wrong. what is the tibetan or vajrayana view is negative,postive, middle etc.
I don't know what the standard Vajrayana opinion is about transsexuals. But we have all done many wrong things in our past lives. This is the reason why we're still stuck in samsara.
Perhaps some monasteries may not let transsexuals receive full ordination. That's the only thing I can think of.
I don't think these kinds of gender issues would limit your spiritual progress at all, though.
All the great living lamas intensely strive to benefit all living creatures--and this certainly includes you!