One day the Lama thought to himself that it was wrong to
have been so long in Lhasa without meeting a Buddha
Lama, and he determined to visit the Buddha
Tsongkhapa. 'It is said that Tsongkhapa is an incarnation of
the Bodhisattva of intelligence, Drukpa Kunley told
Buti. 'I must see if his mind is free of lust and anger.'
At the temple of Ramoche, he found the monks
engaged in metaphysical discussion, and thinking that
he should not lose this opportunity to teach them
he asked, 'What are you doing; oh monks?'
'We are cleansing our spiritual perspective of doubts and
disharmonies,' they told him. 'I know a little bit of
metaphysics myself,' said the Lama, grabbing a handful of
own flatulence and thrusting it under their noses. ;Which
came first, the air or the smell?' he demanded.
The monks became angry and would chase him
'We are not fitting butts for your humour!' they abused
'Don't be so proud,' the Lama responded. 'Relax a little'
My ways and your ways are somewhat different. My ways
are civilized while your ways are full of lust and pride. Now
would you please announce me to the Bodhisattva of
'Where is your formal offering?' they asked him.
'I didn't know I should need one,' the Lama
remonstrated. 'I'll bring one next time I come. I must see him
'Whoever heard of bringing an offering later!' the monks
'If it's absolutely necessary,' offered the Lama finally, 'I
have this fine pair of testicles given to me by my parents
will they do?'
The monks became angry again, and denying him entry
chased him away.
'When I have found an offering I will return to plague
these monks,' thought the Lama, and made his way back to
Leaving the temple he set off to visit the Bodhisattva of
Intelligence, Tsongkhapa. As soon as he arrived at the
Ramoche Temple, the monks asked him what he was doing
'I've come for audience with the Buddha Tsongkhapa,'
he told them.
'Do you still only have your balls as offerings?' jibed the
'No. This time I have gold to offer him,' responded the
'Then you can gain audience immediately.'
'Yah! Yah!' laughed the Lama. 'If one has gold to offer,
the way is immediately opened.' And he thought to himself
that he should open these monks' eyes for them.
Ushered into the Presence, he proceeded to prostrate to
the box of gold intoning these words:
I bow to the Illuminator of our Darkness,
The Crown ofTibetan Sages, Tsongkhapa!
I bow to the inviolate Keeper of the Three Vows,
Bearer of the White Lotus who was prophesied by Atisha
I bow to teacher, debater and composer,
Bearer of the Sword on the Utpala Lotus!
I bow to the saviour of the poor, he who relieves poverty,
Possessor of divine charisma, covered by a web of gold!
I bow to the lover of wealth and comfort-
May this offering of gold bring joy to his heart!
I bow to him whose eyes turned from a poor and lowly votary
When I visited you last year with no offering!'
'O Lord of Beings, Kunga Legpa, you speak truthfully
and it is good to hear you,' Tsongkhapa said in reply. He
knotted a protective thread and gave it to the Lama, asking
him to accept it as a blessing. 'You need nothing more than
this,' he said. 'Wear it!'
The Lama accepted the token and withdrew. 'What shall I
do with this thread?' he thought to himself. 'It is not
comfortable to wear around my neck. I have no pocket
put it into, and I don't want to carry it in my hand. Better
tie it around my penis which is quite clean and has nothing'
to carry.' So he wrapped it around his penis and went to the
'Look! Look!' he shouted. 'If you have fifty pieces of gold
you can gain audience with the Buddha Tsongkhapa
himself. He may even give you one of these!' And he waved his
member with the thread around it in the air.
THE DIVINE MADMAN: The Sublime Life and Songs of Drukpa Kunley, pp64-70