Really personal question

Discussion of meditation in the Mahayana and Vajrayana traditions.

Really personal question

Postby Jade » Fri Aug 03, 2012 3:53 pm

Hi all,

I am pretty new to meditation, but I have a really personal question and feedback would be greatly beneficial!
First a little background info...
I don't have a teacher, but am continuously trying to improve my personal meditation practice. My boyfriend, however is really experienced in meditation and is a teacher himself, though he is not too invested in my practice, and that's the way I prefer it. I don't want to muddle my budding spirituality and our relationship together, lest something come between us. We talk about anything I bring up, but haven't meditated together since we were in the "just friends" place. That being said, I rarely experience anything like the meditations we had together.

The personal question: Lately my boyfriend has been less interested in sex, and he has explained to me that he doesn't want to use up his kundalini energy, because it depletes him, and he'd rather save up some of his sexual energy for meditation. We have sex most every time we see each other, but he is just not as excitable and (here's the embarrassing part) he doesn't seem too interested in pleasuring me anymore. The last time we had sex, he seemed so tired afterwards... I don't know if I really am depleting him of needed energy and being selfish or if he is losing interest! I wish I could say this isn't bothering me, but I am scared he has lost interest. We were on vacation in an "energetic hot spot" and had sex everyday, but it honestly felt like he wasn't himself in that way...he wasn't as excitable as normal, and he actually told me a few times "Sometimes I don't feel like it". He tells me all the time how attracted he is to me, and he is completely present in other ways, and the most kind and thoughtful man I could imagine. I've never experienced a man rejecting sex, and I am starting to feel like a creep for wanting it when he doesn't. Not only this, but it brings up questions like: is he focusing this energy on someone else? I have not changed physically, and lately we have only been closer emotionally. He knows I am worried about these things, and I don't want to keep bringing it up to him, because no matter how many times he reassures me, I still have these questions. It isn't that I have reasons to distrust him, but rather that we are still building trust in each other and this whole rejection of sex is uncharted territory for me.

I suppose there isn't a specific question in there, but if anyone has thoughts or can help me understand something regarding it, I would appreciate any feedback! I know this is the internet, where immaturity spreads like a virus, but I hope asking this question in this forum will not bring immature comments.
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Re: Really personal question

Postby Jeff » Fri Aug 03, 2012 4:05 pm

I would suggest that you talk to him about it. Sex is an important part of any relationship.

My guess is that he is probably focused on trying to control the energy flows, and because of that, he is "ignoring" you. Also, you may want to spend some time together exploring tantric sex. It definitely does not need to be depleting for the man. Working together you can create an energy loop that will be way beyond (and way better than) "normal sex".

Finally, true Kundalini energy is infinite. No need to worry about exhausting it.

:smile:
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Re: Really personal question

Postby Jade » Fri Aug 03, 2012 5:06 pm

Jeff wrote:I would suggest that you talk to him about it. Sex is an important part of any relationship.

My guess is that he is probably focused on trying to control the energy flows, and because of that, he is "ignoring" you. Also, you may want to spend some time together exploring tantric sex. It definitely does not need to be depleting for the man. Working together you can create an energy loop that will be way beyond (and way better than) "normal sex".

Finally, true Kundalini energy is infinite. No need to worry about exhausting it.

:smile:


Hi Jeff!

Thanks, I have spoken to him about it, and I really don't want to bring it up again. I just learned about tantric sex over the weekend, and it's something I want to do in the future, but feel I am not ready for it yet. I guess I am just trying to better understand what he is saying about using sexual energy and storing it up.
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Re: Really personal question

Postby conebeckham » Fri Aug 03, 2012 5:33 pm

I am going to be frank, here.

The sort of "energy practices" that deal with abstinence, and gathering of energy, etc., are pretty advanced practices, at least in traditional Vajrayana Buddhism, which is where you will find these things--they're not really focused on in other Buddhist traditions, to the best of my knowledge. I don't know if that's what your significant other practices...but using the word "Kundalini" leads me to believe that this is not traditional Vajrayana Buddhist meditation practice. In a more general sense, I suppose any meditator may wish to channel energy that might be used in sex into meditation practice, in the same way any sort of energy might be re-directed. For example, someone may choose to watch less TV, or attend fewer social events, or listen to less music, or read less, to focus more energy on meditation practice.

There is also the distinct possibility that your significant other may just not be as sexually attracted to you as he once was, and he's using these explanations as "excuses," and avoiding the issue.

This, however, does not mean that he is any less emotionally invested in your relationship.

So, yes, your question is indeed, "really personal," and I think a forum like this is going to be of limited value in helping you resolve your concerns. Best of luck, though. Be direct, talk about it!
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Re: Really personal question

Postby Jade » Fri Aug 03, 2012 5:42 pm

Hi Conebeckam,
Yes, he does practice Vajrayana. I, however, am just beginning meditation, so my vocabulary may not be the best, I am sorry. Thanks for your feedback.
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Re: Really personal question

Postby Jeff » Fri Aug 03, 2012 8:30 pm

Jade wrote:
Jeff wrote:I would suggest that you talk to him about it. Sex is an important part of any relationship.

My guess is that he is probably focused on trying to control the energy flows, and because of that, he is "ignoring" you. Also, you may want to spend some time together exploring tantric sex. It definitely does not need to be depleting for the man. Working together you can create an energy loop that will be way beyond (and way better than) "normal sex".

Finally, true Kundalini energy is infinite. No need to worry about exhausting it.

:smile:


Hi Jeff!

Thanks, I have spoken to him about it, and I really don't want to bring it up again. I just learned about tantric sex over the weekend, and it's something I want to do in the future, but feel I am not ready for it yet. I guess I am just trying to better understand what he is saying about using sexual energy and storing it up.


Kundalini is more commonly described as "tummo" in Buddhism.

"Storing up sexual energy" is based on the perspective that in sex a man "transfers" energy to a woman so that she can use it to help "create" a child. Hence, why men go to sleep after sex and women are wired. The most common path is that the man trains himself to not ejaculate, thereby avoiding the energy transfer (and lasting longer).

The more powerful method is when the woman can take in the energy and raise it to the heart and then send it back to the man as heart/love energy. The couple can then form an ongoing energy "loop" that can take one to unbelievable heights (and no one ever gets tired. :-)). In Buddhist terms it is often called consort practice. An advanced man or woman can create the loop all by themselves for the couple.

:smile:
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Re: Really personal question

Postby greentara » Sat Aug 04, 2012 1:16 am

Look I'm only guessing but he seems to be more spiritual then you are; takes his meditation seriously. When ripe, lust, greed and the competitor in us simply drop off. He sounds like a fine man just hang in there.
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Re: Really personal question

Postby Tilopa » Sat Aug 04, 2012 3:29 am

Jeff wrote:The more powerful method is when the woman can take in the energy and raise it to the heart and then send it back to the man as heart/love energy. The couple can then form an ongoing energy "loop" that can take one to unbelievable heights (and no one ever gets tired. :-)). In Buddhist terms it is often called consort practice. An advanced man or woman can create the loop all by themselves for the couple.

This is nonsense and nothing to do with consort practice.
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Re: Really personal question

Postby deepbluehum » Sat Aug 04, 2012 4:11 am

If he really understands what he's doing, he'd want to do it more, not less. Sex helps the energy build up. He might want to limit how much he ejaculates, but the intercourse part shouldn't be less. This is the part where you might figure out he's using this as an excuse to push you away. On a lighter note, people on the path that mess with these energy methods go through all kinds of trippy moods. You might want to just give him some space and when he figures out what he's doing, he might even want to do it way more than you do. Then you'll have to manage him another way. Another thing you might want to do is to learn a lot about the method he's experimenting with. These methods are easier for women to master.
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Re: Really personal question

Postby Jeff » Sat Aug 04, 2012 4:26 am

Tilopa wrote:
Jeff wrote:The more powerful method is when the woman can take in the energy and raise it to the heart and then send it back to the man as heart/love energy. The couple can then form an ongoing energy "loop" that can take one to unbelievable heights (and no one ever gets tired. :-)). In Buddhist terms it is often called consort practice. An advanced man or woman can create the loop all by themselves for the couple.

This is nonsense and nothing to do with consort practice.


I guess we will just have to disagree.

:smile:
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Re: Really personal question

Postby Jeff » Sat Aug 04, 2012 5:10 pm

For those interested in the heart connection aspect of consort practices, it is described in the "The Six Yogas of Naropa". To establish the connection, one must be able to control the "winds of Tummo" or the "vibrations of Kundalini" (terms depending on your background).

:smile:
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