How to handle people with anger issues?

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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby Simon E. » Wed Dec 11, 2013 1:31 pm

So from a description of what sounds like a mild case of PMT to diagnosing an electroshock candidate and/or prescribing HYT for what may or may not be a Vajrayana practitioner and his wife.
You couldn't make this stuff up.. ;)

Papanca papanca papanca..... :roll:

I wonder if Rakshsa's wife has read any of this behind-her-back speculation, and what she makes of it... 8-)
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby Simon E. » Wed Dec 11, 2013 2:00 pm

Just to add I am an experienced MD in general practice and there is no way I could make unseen a 'diagnosis; of any kind from the data we have here.
And I don't believe anyone else here can either..
Unless yet another person ( in addition to the one known to many of us ) is going to hint discreetly that they have siddhis... :tongue:
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby LastLegend » Wed Dec 11, 2013 3:18 pm

oushi wrote:There is always something heave going on in the unconscious of a person undergoing big changes. It is released through sleep and dreaming, broadly speaking. If this process is disturbed, strong emotional waves may break through to conscious. It manifests as sudden,irrational behavior. If those outbursts are not addressed correctly, and there is growing pressure caused by lack of agreement between people, it may transform into mental problems. Sleep deprivation may be, and often is, a direct cause of it.


Interesting.
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby mandala » Wed Dec 11, 2013 4:24 pm

Good lord. Instead of trying to diagnose your wife's 'problem', how about just trying to be kind & gentle & understanding to her when she's not her usual happy self?

:smile:
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby Rakshasa » Wed Dec 11, 2013 6:07 pm

After so many posts, may be I should add that my wife sometimes worries about things that I push under the carpet and do not care about. She has a worrying nature. Like kids, future, finances etc. One thing I can say with certainty is that she is too involved in this worldly life - finances, petty things, relationships future etc. These are the things I usually dont care about. I am kind of a "careless" guy who can perceive this world as an outsider, but my wife is an avid player of life. I understand Buddhist principles of cause and effect, illusionary world, emptiness (not really, but I do get an intuitive idea), but she is fully blinded by this illusory world. This difference in our perception of things is one of the reasons for arguments. My failure is in trying to "change" her perception - I understand that she probably also wants me to change my perception and get involved with this illusory world more and more like her.

My aim is to only make her more calm and peaceful in handling situations. She has fears that I believe should be eliminated. I have planned to read Sutras at home more frequently, and get more involved with Buddhist practice to see if I can facilitate a good change in people around me, including my wife.
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby Lindama » Wed Dec 11, 2013 6:17 pm

Rakshasa,
This last bit puts a new light on things. Consider what you said and how you can find a balance. Buddhism is not about ignoring this so-called illusory world. That is a false view that I hope any teacher would help you with. There is an assumption, it seems to me, that you consider your buddhist view to be superior. If I were your wife, I might be angry about this also... ofc, that's only my assumption.

A true spiritual being can function in any dimension without reaction and attachment... we are all on the road. I am deliberately not limiting it to buddhism. Most of us are in this worldly life and need to meet it full on.

best wishes
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby reddust » Wed Dec 11, 2013 6:27 pm

We women do worry about daily life a lot, it's part of our nature I think. We carry eggs that someday might hatch into human beings, it's our biological makeup. We need a consistent source of energy to care for them, we need you men to care for us while we are caring for the kids. If you are going to start a family someday this is a valid concern. But since you aren't there yet you can talk and plan to help her get it out so she can see what is a valid worry and what can be put aside for now. I know a lot of Buddhist couples who struggle with who is going to do retreat and who is going to work.

My youngest sister was so scared about her kids dying from some accident that never happened she had to take anti anxiety drugs to calm her anxiety. Yeah we women can get totally freaked out about daily life and our family, practice can help address the anxiety.
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby Lindama » Wed Dec 11, 2013 6:32 pm

That is really good, Red :twothumbsup:

It takes a community....
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby Johnny Dangerous » Wed Dec 11, 2013 6:34 pm

Rakshasa wrote:After so many posts, may be I should add that my wife sometimes worries about things that I push under the carpet and do not care about. She has a worrying nature. Like kids, future, finances etc. One thing I can say with certainty is that she is too involved in this worldly life - finances, petty things, relationships future etc. These are the things I usually dont care about. I am kind of a "careless" guy who can perceive this world as an outsider, but my wife is an avid player of life. I understand Buddhist principles of cause and effect, illusionary world, emptiness (not really, but I do get an intuitive idea), but she is fully blinded by this illusory world. This difference in our perception of things is one of the reasons for arguments. My failure is in trying to "change" her perception - I understand that she probably also wants me to change my perception and get involved with this illusory world more and more like her.

My aim is to only make her more calm and peaceful in handling situations. She has fears that I believe should be eliminated. I have planned to read Sutras at home more frequently, and get more involved with Buddhist practice to see if I can facilitate a good change in people around me, including my wife.


I still think you need to check yourself, you are thoroughly stuck on changing her, and being convinced you need to alter her view of the world...stuff like that does not bode well for future communication, and frankly I don't think it's a very compassionate way of interacting with your spouse either. True or not, it is useless to view those that don't practice Dharma, or share your worldview as somehow worse off or in need of changing..you don't have the capacity to judge them like that, and nothing fruitful can come of approaching people in that way, IMO of course.

In other words:

mandala wrote:Good lord. Instead of trying to diagnose your wife's 'problem', how about just trying to be kind & gentle & understanding to her when she's not her usual happy self?

:smile:


I've been married for a bit now, and i'd say I have a pretty good marriage, if there was one thing I can say that got us through times like you are having, it is the above. For someone who doesn't like psychology you are spending a lot of time analyzing your wife. :D
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby KonchokZoepa » Wed Dec 11, 2013 6:39 pm

yeah i agree with johnny dangerous 100%. i got that feeling from the OP but didnt write because the conversation was somewhere else and now its been on and on for many pages, i havent read it but had to check this comment and this what JD said is worth checking and being aware about and careful about that, it can easily ruin relationships.
If the thought of demons
Never rises in your mind,
You need not fear the demon hosts around you.
It is most important to tame your mind within....

In so far as the Ultimate, or the true nature of being is concerned,
there are neither buddhas or demons.
He who frees himself from fear and hope, evil and virtue,
will realize the insubstantial and groundless nature of confusion.
Samsara will then appear as the mahamudra itself….

-Milarepa

OMMANIPADMEHUNG

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ls6P9tOYmdo
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby reddust » Wed Dec 11, 2013 6:44 pm

Simon E. wrote:Just to add I am an experienced MD in general practice and there is no way I could make unseen a 'diagnosis; of any kind from the data we have here.
And I don't believe anyone else here can either..
Unless yet another person ( in addition to the one known to many of us ) is going to hint discreetly that they have siddhis... :tongue:


Who is it? Dang I miss all the good stuff :tongue:
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby reddust » Wed Dec 11, 2013 6:49 pm

Lindama wrote:That is really good, Red :twothumbsup:

It takes a community....


hahaha I have to make sure that I address the more sensitive male folk yes? I understand men have the caring nurture abilities as well, it's wiring and chemical stuff I am talking about that may go haywire, you don't carry the eggs, you got the balls :namaste:
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby KonchokZoepa » Wed Dec 11, 2013 6:54 pm

eggs and balls, whats the difference. :rolling:
If the thought of demons
Never rises in your mind,
You need not fear the demon hosts around you.
It is most important to tame your mind within....

In so far as the Ultimate, or the true nature of being is concerned,
there are neither buddhas or demons.
He who frees himself from fear and hope, evil and virtue,
will realize the insubstantial and groundless nature of confusion.
Samsara will then appear as the mahamudra itself….

-Milarepa

OMMANIPADMEHUNG

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ls6P9tOYmdo
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby reddust » Wed Dec 11, 2013 6:56 pm

KonchokZoepa wrote:eggs and balls, whats the difference. :rolling:


Oh this could go so many ways …hahaha, seriously just teasing, dang I am a Grandma :heart:

Edit, I seriously think this is the key, our humor, patience and love for each other, age, sex, and all the other stuff does not matter, but you gotta know how the system works to deal with it correctly. KonchokZoepa, you are wonderful, you made me spit out my coffee.
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby Simon E. » Wed Dec 11, 2013 7:03 pm

reddust wrote:
Simon E. wrote:Just to add I am an experienced MD in general practice and there is no way I could make unseen a 'diagnosis; of any kind from the data we have here.
And I don't believe anyone else here can either..
Unless yet another person ( in addition to the one known to many of us ) is going to hint discreetly that they have siddhis... :tongue:


Who is it? Dang I miss all the good stuff :tongue:



If you want to know drop me a PM... ;)
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby Simon E. » Wed Dec 11, 2013 7:10 pm

Rakshasa wrote:After so many posts, may be I should add that my wife sometimes worries about things that I push under the carpet and do not care about. She has a worrying nature. Like kids, future, finances etc. One thing I can say with certainty is that she is too involved in this worldly life - finances, petty things, relationships future etc. These are the things I usually dont care about. I am kind of a "careless" guy who can perceive this world as an outsider, but my wife is an avid player of life. I understand Buddhist principles of cause and effect, illusionary world, emptiness (not really, but I do get an intuitive idea), but she is fully blinded by this illusory world. This difference in our perception of things is one of the reasons for arguments. My failure is in trying to "change" her perception - I understand that she probably also wants me to change my perception and get involved with this illusory world more and more like her.

My aim is to only make her more calm and peaceful in handling situations. She has fears that I believe should be eliminated. I have planned to read Sutras at home more frequently, and get more involved with Buddhist practice to see if I can facilitate a good change in people around me, including my wife.

I know that you have not been married long..but if you think that you can 'make her be more peaceful ' and if you think you need to change the people around you.....oh boy. :o
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby reddust » Wed Dec 11, 2013 7:35 pm

Have you noticed how the men address this thread and us women? I totally agree with the guys saying you cannot change another person. But you can help your mate with their confusion and they can help you. Being helpful, caring, patient and not controlling opens up a whole new world of relationships. I really feel better when I can talk about how I am feeling without feeling threatened or controlled. I read in another thread that monks and nuns go through the same kind of relationship issues as us married folk. Food for thought :popcorn:
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby Lindama » Wed Dec 11, 2013 7:41 pm

:popcorn:
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby Simon E. » Wed Dec 11, 2013 8:13 pm

reddust wrote:Have you noticed how the men address this thread and us women? I totally agree with the guys saying you cannot change another person. But you can help your mate with their confusion and they can help you. Being helpful, caring, patient and not controlling opens up a whole new world of relationships. I really feel better when I can talk about how I am feeling without feeling threatened or controlled. I read in another thread that monks and nuns go through the same kind of relationship issues as us married folk. Food for thought :popcorn:

And how would you feel if you discovered that your partner/husband/wife was posting on a website their intention to 'make you more peaceful' and 'change you ' ?
Or if you read that your occasional scratchiness was an indicator of incipient upheavals in your 'unconscious ' caused by 'ideas of gender equality ' ?
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby Lindama » Wed Dec 11, 2013 8:32 pm

That's the beauty of it.... we notice diff things. I was noticing this morning that I didn't pick up on the trying to change part of it... took the backdoor in. :smile: If you guys hadn't of brought it up, might not have noticed. We all know what we do best. I wouldn't feel too good about being discussed without my knowledge on a forum either.... unless the points brought up led to a mutual resolution.

this morning, it started seeping in.... my ex once told me near the end: "I don't know who I am, if I can't take care of you". still a trace of sadness that we didn't/couldn't get on that boat to have a look.
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