How to handle people with anger issues?

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How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby Rakshasa » Mon Dec 09, 2013 11:52 am

A few months ago i go married to a very lovely girl. She is good heart, very caring and friendly. But the only problem is her anger issues. She becomes very irrational when angry and tends to talk rudely with aggressive voice. This happens about once or twice every mnth. What i have observed is this recurrent anger is not always due to issues and events surrounding our live but also a mental problem (perhaps wrong diet, lack of sleep etc ) and needs some diagnosis. However, i dont think she will admit she has any mental problems. I am usually calm and patient and still try to be as polite when she's angry as i can - but still i end up getting drawn into the argument sometimes.


Is there any mantra or prayer or anything which i can recite silently over time to heal her? One more thing is that she gets bad and scary dreams at night very often and thather anger oubursts usually happen just before hermonthly cycle. Anything i can do yo make her more peaceful and calm over time?
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby kirtu » Mon Dec 09, 2013 4:12 pm

Rakshasa wrote:Is there any mantra or prayer or anything which i can recite silently over time to heal her? One more thing is that she gets bad and scary dreams at night very often and thather anger oubursts usually happen just before hermonthly cycle. Anything i can do yo make her more peaceful and calm over time?


Not really. You could try the Mani or a protective mantra (Green Taram Hayagriva, Vajrapani,, etc.). The real problem is that she was exposed to severe anger or a negative environment and has been somewhat traumatized (probably), This is how people develop anger issues.

She has to actually decide that her behavior is harmful and take action. This is why I said "not really".

As for negative dreams, Green Tara & Vajrasattva.

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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby reddust » Mon Dec 09, 2013 8:04 pm

my feelings are magnifed for at least 7 days out of the month from hormonal changes. i also suffered from rage and anger cused by child abuse. I let go of rage 20 yers ago through vipassana meditation

The abuse and condtioning from my own experience must be addressed through changing diet from acidic to akaline, getting rid of toxines
that block the correct function of the endocrine system, exercise, learning correct boundaries, meditation and Dharma study in the paramitas and dealing with body sensation. hope this helps :namaste:
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby reddust » Mon Dec 09, 2013 10:01 pm

I can type better now. Ereaders don't give one much room to type and it's hard to see. More data that may be helpful….My husband deals with my intense emotions through kindness, caring, and patience. He doesn't take what I am going through personally. We talk about what I felt and what I might of triggered on. It's really important for your wife to know her body cycle and also her mind so you both can see triggers before they manifest physically and you and your wife can deal with them wisely. My husband also has anger, who does not? I do the same thing for him, we give each other room to own our own feelings and emotions and try to help each other through confusion. Metta meditation really helped me, but you need to have a stable mind, some equanimity regarding body/mind sensations to practice metta correctly. There are also soothing sutra, sutta, and mantras you can both read to help. http://www.bodhicitta.net/bodhicitta.net-teachings.htm
Mind and mental events are concepts, mere postulations within the three realms of samsara Longchenpa .... A link to my Garden, Art and Foodie blog Scratch Living
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby Johnny Dangerous » Mon Dec 09, 2013 10:59 pm

Rakshasa wrote:A few months ago i go married to a very lovely girl. She is good heart, very caring and friendly. But the only problem is her anger issues. She becomes very irrational when angry and tends to talk rudely with aggressive voice. This happens about once or twice every mnth. What i have observed is this recurrent anger is not always due to issues and events surrounding our live but also a mental problem (perhaps wrong diet, lack of sleep etc ) and needs some diagnosis. However, i dont think she will admit she has any mental problems. I am usually calm and patient and still try to be as polite when she's angry as i can - but still i end up getting drawn into the argument sometimes.


Is there any mantra or prayer or anything which i can recite silently over time to heal her? One more thing is that she gets bad and scary dreams at night very often and thather anger oubursts usually happen just before hermonthly cycle. Anything i can do yo make her more peaceful and calm over time?



You could start by being a little less judgmental of her, frankly. Might not be what you want to hear, but there ya go..i'm sure you have your issues too, don't you? In relationships we always want to force the other person to fit into our plans for them...no wonder so many don't work out.

You're married to someone with a lovely heart, who is a good person, but her snapping at you once or twice a month when she's starting her cycle is a problem? Don't try having kids for a while lol.

Usually, when people argue, they are both invovled, and interested in placing blame..if you let the blame bit go it helps alot.

Not trying to be rough, just honest.
"Just as a lotus does not grow out of a well-levelled soil but from the mire, in the same way the awakening mind
is not born in the hearts of disciples in whom the moisture of attachment has dried up. It grows instead in the hearts of ordinary sentient beings who possess in full the fetters of bondage." -Se Chilbu Choki Gyaltsen
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby Lindama » Mon Dec 09, 2013 11:08 pm

:good:
Johnny and Red

also, suggest you take the physical aspect seriously. Chinese and Ayurvedic systems account for this and it could be a non-threatening way for her to begin looking at it.

Johnny... so kind and wise :namaste:
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby smcj » Mon Dec 09, 2013 11:23 pm

I never got married, but my buddy worked out a great system with his wife. When she's like that he leaves for work early and comes home late. He's had times where he's come home and she just stands on the porch and waves at him to go away, and he more than gladly does. But she's self-aware enough for that system to work.
A human being has his limits. And thus, in every conceivable way, with every possible means, he tries to make the teaching enter into his own limits. ChNN
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby Nemo » Tue Dec 10, 2013 1:08 am

Only twice in my life have I been stuck with someone with that flaw. After months of trying to deal rationally with an irrational jerk I went downstairs and got my hammer. I told her I could be just as unfair and irrational. I turned a computer into scrap. I decided from then on when she was using me as an emotional punching bag I would find something expensive we bought and say if she continues to be abusive I will destroy this object. I had to do it three times. The fourth time I chose the big TV. She broke and stopped the verbal abuse. I realized it was not out of her control at all. She was just a bully.
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby shaunc » Tue Dec 10, 2013 9:26 am

Nemo wrote:Only twice in my life have I been stuck with someone with that flaw. After months of trying to deal rationally with an irrational jerk I went downstairs and got my hammer. I told her I could be just as unfair and irrational. I turned a computer into scrap. I decided from then on when she was using me as an emotional punching bag I would find something expensive we bought and say if she continues to be abusive I will destroy this object. I had to do it three times. The fourth time I chose the big TV. She broke and stopped the verbal abuse. I realized it was not out of her control at all. She was just a bully.


A bit over the top mate.
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby shaunc » Tue Dec 10, 2013 9:35 am

In my experience, anger is often 50% physical. If your wife can knock herself around physically ( running, skipping, digging in the garden etc) she may be able to get the anger down to a more manageable level where it can be dealt with in a better way.
Congratulations on your wedding. If it makes things any easier for you, me & my wife have been married for 12 years & without doubt the first 2 years were the hardest. Remember that everyone has their good & bad points, if you concentrate more on the good & less on the bad life becomes much better.
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby oushi » Tue Dec 10, 2013 10:00 am

Rakshasa wrote: (perhaps wrong diet, lack of sleep etc ) and needs some diagnosis. However, i dont think she will admit she has any mental problems.

This is often the last thing a person with a mental problem will admit, so never say that to her. It looks like there is something "heavy" going on in the unconscious. I think the best thing you can do is taking care of her sleep. It should be long (8 hr+), comfortable, and safe for here. Good sleep is always a long hanging fruit when it comes to solving mental problems.
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby Simon E. » Tue Dec 10, 2013 10:19 am

Please sir, how does one adult person ' take care ' of another adult person's sleep without the aid of a Micky Finn, sledge hammer, or an overwhelming need to control ?
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby Simon E. » Tue Dec 10, 2013 10:20 am

shaunc wrote:
Nemo wrote:Only twice in my life have I been stuck with someone with that flaw. After months of trying to deal rationally with an irrational jerk I went downstairs and got my hammer. I told her I could be just as unfair and irrational. I turned a computer into scrap. I decided from then on when she was using me as an emotional punching bag I would find something expensive we bought and say if she continues to be abusive I will destroy this object. I had to do it three times. The fourth time I chose the big TV. She broke and stopped the verbal abuse. I realized it was not out of her control at all. She was just a bully.


A bit over the top mate.

To put it mildly. frak psychotic would be another way.
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby oushi » Tue Dec 10, 2013 10:25 am

Simon E. wrote:Please sir, how does one adult person ' take care ' of another adult person's sleep without the aid of a Micky Finn, sledge hammer, or an overwhelming need to control ?

Freeing up time, so more of it is available for sleep. This is done with proper time management, taking over some responsibilities, or simply removing time wasted for TV, facebook, and other similar crap. Not eating, or drinking coffee/tea late, and not exposing oneself to strong light before sleep.
Does it answer your question?
Moreover, a comfortable sleeping place, with good pillow, also plays a role. Fresh, clean air is another component.
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby Simon E. » Tue Dec 10, 2013 10:32 am

No, how does one do that ...for someone else ?
I can manage my time...I can watch less TV..I can wind down during the evening.
If I suffered from sleep deprivation I would do all of those things.
But how do you do those things for someone else, unless they choose to do them ?
Rakshasa has already said that the lady in question denies that she has a problem.
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby Simon E. » Tue Dec 10, 2013 10:55 am

Rakshasa wrote:A few months ago i go married to a very lovely girl. She is good heart, very caring and friendly. But the only problem is her anger issues. She becomes very irrational when angry and tends to talk rudely with aggressive voice. This happens about once or twice every mnth. What i have observed is this recurrent anger is not always due to issues and events surrounding our live but also a mental problem (perhaps wrong diet, lack of sleep etc ) and needs some diagnosis. However, i dont think she will admit she has any mental problems. I am usually calm and patient and still try to be as polite when she's angry as i can - but still i end up getting drawn into the argument sometimes.


Is there any mantra or prayer or anything which i can recite silently over time to heal her? One more thing is that she gets bad and scary dreams at night very often and thather anger oubursts usually happen just before hermonthly cycle. Anything i can do yo make her more peaceful and calm over time?

My two cents...and I think the internet is in fact a poor substitute for friendly advice and a shoulder..
Forget mantras. Forget the idea of modifying or controlling by any means at all. Magical or otherwise.
Concentrate on your own reactions. Live with the tension. Breath it in and out. Do not try to make things other than they are right now. This is your reality. Live it. Life has provided you with a partner who is flawed as we all are in some way. Remind yourself that you are in it for the long haul.
Life has at some point given her bad news which shows as troubled dreams and tension.
Be centred for her. Give her good news by not requiring her to be other than she is right now.
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby oushi » Tue Dec 10, 2013 10:58 am

Simon E. wrote:No, how does one do that ...for someone else ?
I can manage my time...I can watch less TV..I can wind down during the evening.
If I suffered from sleep deprivation I would do all of those things.
But how do you do those things for someone else, unless they choose to do them ?
Rakshasa has already said that the lady in question denies that she has a problem.

Time management is something used globally, mostly by healthy people. It is something you can learn. Undoubtedly you will find many interesting techniques by just googling "time management". Those will help you organize your day, by prioritizing activities. Very technical thing, not a therapy for mentally ill. ;)
Moreover, if you live with your spouse, your behavior has a huge influence on his/her behavior. Changing the eating habits, time you go to bed, certainly will influence the other person. Talking about the importance of sleep, may result in raising the importance of it, so it will become more important then tweeting etc. All this without even mentioning to the other person, that he/she has mental problems.
All this can be seen as "family life", and taking care of it. Unfortunately, this area is trivialized lately, and replaced by activities introduced by "gender equality". It often happens, that ladies suffer from it greatly, as it was their responsibility for centuries. But this is a different subject.
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby Simon E. » Tue Dec 10, 2013 11:10 am

Clearly life Chez Oushi may differ in its dynamic from many homes in western Europe and the US.
That genie is not going to back into the bottle.
Many households are not going to take their cue from the pater familias.
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby Lindama » Tue Dec 10, 2013 11:15 am

Simon E. wrote:My two cents...and I think the internet is in fact a poor substitute for friendly advice and a shoulder..
Forget mantras. Forget the idea of modifying or controlling by any means at all. Magical or otherwise.
Concentrate on your own reactions. Live with the tension. Breath it in and out. Do not try to make things other than they are right now. This is your reality. Live it. Life has provided you with a partner who is flawed as we all are in some way. Remind yourself that you are in it for the long haul.
Life has at some point given her bad news which shows as troubled dreams and tension.
Be centred for her. Give her good news by not requiring her to be other than she is right now.


Simon, you were quite correct and lucid until you said the fatal, judgemental words... " life has provided you with a partner who is flawed".... NO, you can't ameliorate it by saying "flawed as we all are in some way". oh NO NO NO.

Rakshasa, respond as you need to without the concept of flawed... please for both your sakes.
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby Simon E. » Tue Dec 10, 2013 11:20 am

You are right Lindama..I should have said something like.. Life as provided you with a partner who comes as we all do with particular qualities, some of which we find challenging. Our own growth may be more served by those very qualities as well as by the qualities we find more obviously nourishing.

Thank you for your intervention Linda,

:namaste:
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