Hi, all! I recently began Green Tara and Chenrezig visualizations and have some questions in my usual long-winded style
After doing two weeks of these, I find it much easier to "get into" the Chenrezig visualization. There are incredible feelings of bliss and wellbeing during these visualizations. I'm leery of becoming attached to those and turning it into some sort of quest for pleasure with no real benefit to other beings. It also is tempting to view it as deluding myself in just another way, inducing and enjoying these feelings of love and bliss, without doing the gritty work of spiritual development. I think, "Who says this is my natural state? It feels just as conditioned as anything else, and there, it goes away just as quickly."
Also, every couple of times, I'll have what feels like an excessive emotional response to Chenrezig. I'll feel deeply distraught while imagining all the suffering. And when I imagine every being's Buddha nature, their capacity to be free from this suffering, I've often burst out laughing, or felt so transfixed by bliss that I wept. This doesn't seem to bode well for equanimity! I would love any insight into the "bliss" side of this and if this is worrisome, or how I should approach things.
Now, I also have a few questions about Green Tara. I'm not really sure what "hook" to get my mind into it, like compassion is for Chenrezig. I think this is due to a lack of understanding of what Tara represents. I've read she represents our innate capacity for wisdom and enlightened action. That's a bit more abstract! It feels like it takes much more mental juices to plug into Tara and sustain the visualization. Also, during the visualization, I often have the feeling of being a fuzzy ball of vapor, larger than my body, with no skin or definite shape. It doesn't happen during Chenrezig visualization. I've been ignoring this, as I've read the advice on the forum.
However, when the visualizations are over with, I'm not sure how to proceed. I truly feel at peace and comfortable while visualizing, but unlike simply remembering to be mindful, I'm not sure what or how to carry over from the Tara or Chenrezig visualization.
Also, for both Chenrezig and Green Tara, I have difficulty visualizing myself as the deity. I can feel and somewhat see them clearly, but when I try to visualize them melting into me, my mind begins to wander and I'm not sure what to do. I assume this is partly due to lacking any empowerments for these visualizations. I also have the impression that this melting of the ego is the crux of the visualizations! So it seems important to understand how to proceed.
Finally, if I feel a stronger pull towards Chenrezig, does that mean it should become the primary focus? Or does it mean Green Tara needs more work? This is probably a subjective question.
Thank you for your guidance and help for a newbie entering the strange world of visualization meditation!