Tibetan Buddhism and Craziness/Insanity? I need some advice

[Lucent]

Sorry if this isn't the right section, I'm really clueless and had no idea where to post this. You see, my dad told me when I was first getting myself into all this that "bad practice" or doing things incorrectly, or if I'm not ready could make me go crazy. That's the best I can do to translate what he said because it was in Vietnamese. Well, I raised my voice a little at him when he was forcing me to read something I didn't understand (This was exactly 3 days after I first got into Vajrayana and we went home from the mountain where I met my teacher and his. He kept forcing me to watch video after video reading articles, books, everything. It was stressful!), saying "I don't even know what this means" and he just completely lashed out at me saying that I was too stupid to learn the Dharma, that I had no patience, no humility, and that I should just quit trying because I would never be able to learn it. Then he said that the dharma protectors were angry at me for "yelling at him" and that I didn't need to apologize to him, I needed to apologize to the Dharmapala. Well he's always had really bad anger problems and he'd been practicing for 2 years at that time. The thing is... he did get better, but I got a phonecall from my mom recently saying that he just out of nowhere told her that I told him she stole 5,000 dollars from him. (I didn't though?!) and so he poured gasoline all over himself (I assume imitating self immolation... over money.) and threatened to set himself on fire. He's done a lot of suicide threats in the past so my mom stops him once again where he wouldn't stop yelling at her and blaming her for everything. The next day, she said he was happy and "normal" again. What the hell??

Anyway, before all this, he kept bragging to me and my mom about how he had only practiced for 2 years but knew more and did better than people who've practiced for 10 years etc. etc. And pretty much putting himself above other people who he's met while going to visit his teacher who he goes to visit multiple times a year. My mom said she could've swore that night that my dad was possessed or something. We still don't know what that was all about but he's always been pretty money-hungry. Greedy wouldn't even be the right word, just money hungry. Also, ever since he's gotten into Vajrayana he's been calling me, my mom, and my brother "burdens" and "demons" that are hindering him from enlightenment and he's been spending all his money on things relating to Vajrayana which is great, except that he's completely neglecting my mom now. They both work together in a self-owned business but all the money she makes he takes. He's always been like that but I'm very worried about my mom. I know he absolutely hates her even though he's been the abusive one in the family ever since they first got together...

So.... I'm not saying that studying Vajrayana made him worse, but can it really mess with your mind? And what do I do? I can't tell his teacher or any of "our Dharma siblings" because then they would tell his teacher and then my mom would be the only one to suffer from it as usual. I've even been forced to stop talking to anyone, and my dad even tried forcing me to stop talking to his and my teacher because he says that I'm gonna end up damning myself and going to hell. In fact my motivation for practice was completely ruined because he kept telling me that I was no good for it. I just want some answers is all, and I have nowhere else to get it. I'm sorry for troubling you all, but any thoughts would help me. I'm extremely worried and depressed right now, I just lost my job and now my dad's going crazy and my mom has to put up with it all over again. I haven't even been able to concentrate and I cut down how much I contacted my teacher because I feel like I'm pestering him. I used to text him every few days to see how he's doing but I think I'm annoying him at this point. I've had no motivation for practice either.... Every time I try I think of what my dad said and it just ruins everything for me somehow.

Thank you in advance. Sorry for the trouble.

[PadmaVonSamba]

First, good luck with your situation. I am sure everyone who reads this will be wishing the best for you.

I don't think that the Vajrayana path itself messes with a person's head.
But if one has not done the preliminary work, or learned to relax one's mind properly, and just jumps into it with all of their problems, it's sort of like carrying a lot of baggage and stepping into a small boat, and it can all just flip over on you. That sounds sort of like what has happened. Your father carried a lot of problems onto that boat and it flipped over, making the situation worse.

Also. if one's teacher has not made sure the student is ready, or is not really a qualified teacher, and just tries to scare the student, then this may also be part of the problem. From the little amount you have said about the teacher and his other students, I have doubts about this teacher, because a student of a qualified teacher should not be the way you describe.

Vajrayana does seem to attract people who have mental health issues. I don't know if all religions do, but it has been my experience that Vajrayana does, maybe because people think it is full of magical powers and things like that.

As far as the situation between you and your father and you and your mother, and your dharma practice, there may not really be too much you can do, but to be compassionate, see that they are suffering as you are, generate a sense of big compassion. If your background is Vietnamese then you know Quán Thế Âm, (Kwan Yin) Bodhisattva of Great Compassion. If you can have that kind of very open compassion for your father and your mother, then you personally will survive this nightmare, and you will get stronger. By listening to them and being there for them, as you would if they were sick, not worrying too much about yourself, you will find that these problems will quiet down a little bit, even if they don't completely end. I would not associate with the people in that sangha if you do not trust them. Not talking to that teacher might really be a good thing too. As far as the money goes, talk to your mom. For some reason, when it comes to money, a wife can exert a lot more power on the husband than you might think!

Hopefully, at some point your father will see that he is not really benefiting from his behavior. he may see that he is hurting others. This is not something you can show him. he can only see this himself. Your dharma practice will actually get stronger because of your compassion, and your father may see this too. If you can set an example with great compassion, Your father will see that, and he will respect you for it, even if he is too proud to admit it.

I have also had a parent experiencing insanity, a long time ago. It is frightening and painful. It makes one feel very weak and helpless. On this web forum, there is not much specific advice anyone can give you. But again, meditating on Quán Thế Âm, or, if you believe in the practice of asking Quán Thế Âm for help, to do that, and then generating the wish that your father and your mother be free from their suffering, this will help you and them.
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[Lucent]

Thanks for your advice again, PadmaVonSamba. I think you're right about my father carrying too many problems with him instead of clearing his mind first beforehand. Sometimes I think he might just be really bipolar, but he seems to never be happy or pleased with anyone or anything. I wouldn't blame my dad's teacher because all of his other students do excellently. I've met them and they're wonderful people. But my father has always been very egotistical, and if he has an issue he won't ever admit it. My mom sees my father's teacher a lot as well, but she never says anything because my dad will lash out at her. It seems as though the most that his teacher knows is that he's a very troubled person and has a lot of issues, especially anger problems. His teacher, and his teacher's students are wonderful people who have taught me a lot... but that's just the problem. My father refuses to be outdone by anyone and works extra hard to be at the very top. However, I think he's following the path for the wrong reason, mainly achieving enlightenment so he never has to see me, my mom, or my brother ever again (Yes those are his exact words).

I know it was probably wrong of me to do this, but I told one of his students about how my dad acts differently at home and when he's up there where people see him. They had no clue about the abuse my father put my entire family through and the "mask" he wears in public. Well... eventually word got to my father's teacher because my father lashed out at me again and I had an emotional breakdown, and when someone asked me what was wrong, I told them everything. My father was very upset and told everyone that I was lying. And that was when he tried to stop me from talking to anyone, not his teacher, not my teacher, and not anyone within the community which is why I'm here. I'm completely alone because if I talk to anyone my dad yells at my mom. My father acts like the greatest person in the world when he's around his teacher but any other time he's completely different. My teacher and his teacher explained to him that he needed the help and that I didn't do anything wrong and that as a family we should look out for each other, and something about bad karma in the past that we need to pay for now. My father's teacher is trying his best to fix my dad but sometimes I think it's not possible, not at all. It's a very complicated situation. The only ones that know my father's true nature are the ones that live with him. Anyone else is clueless.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm 100% positive that it's not any of the teacher's fault because he's doing the best he can with what he has. Also, the members of the Sangha are very trustworthy, but that's why my father doesn't want me to talk to them. He doesn't want anything to do with me and that means I can't have anything to do with the people he's around because he thinks that I have a bad influence on them and they have a bad influence on me. Keep in mind, this is the same person that wouldn't let me have friends growing up and when I got friends anyway out of my loneliness he said I couldn't befriend black people because my best friend was black!!! She was very proper, extremely polite, very smart, didn't drink or do drugs or anything. In fact, when my dad pushed me to never talk to her, I found new friends who tried making me drink alcohol, do drugs, and all sorts of bad things, but my dad didn't care as long as their skin color was white. My father's always been a control freak, my mom isn't allowed to have friends either, she's not allowed out of the house, and she isn't allowed to have a cell phone. He's gotten more lenient since he started this path but he's still got a long way to go.

Thank you for your advice but I haven't been able to concentrate. Every time I even think about the Dharma, or if I even see a picture or book, I think about what my dad said. That I'm not good enough, I'm too stupid to learn it and that I should just give up now and quite wasting everyone's time. He says that I have no patience or humility and that I'm gonna go to hell because "I hurt him". My inspiration and everything is just really.... gone because my father's abuse never ends. Because of him I have no self esteem and I'm always stressed out and yet I'm always the bad guy somehow. It's not a good feeling. And he thinks that I'm too lowly to talk to my own teacher or his teacher, they're two different people. My teacher doesn't speak very much with my father at all, only to me. My father's teacher is trying to fix my family, and it's working but it's taking so long I'm losing hope. I'm only 19 years old, perhaps I really am too dumb to learn this stuff. When my teacher learned about my home issues he simply said to my father that it wasn't anyone's fault and the members of the Sangha made a joke that my dad can't yell at me anymore "because Rinpoche is protecting me" I thought it was funny even though it's not completely true... but my dad has no respect for anyone except the lamas who he treats as gods. Everyone else he treats like dirt. My teacher keeps telling me "Don't be sad" because he says that it's bad karma of the past, but I can't help it. I really miss Rinpoche right now.......... Everything seems okay when I'm around him, but it's such a rare occasion for me to see him. I just don't want the blame to be put on him because I know what the problem is. It's just that I can't tell anyone (even though I get the feeling my teacher knows, but he never talks much).

[Andrew108]

I feel very sad about your situation. It seems obvious to me that your father needs professional help. I hope that he is able to get it. I would also hope that you and your mother can find some time to relax. If religion causes a lot of tensions then it's better to either take a break from it or change the way you view it. Life is a treasure and you are as rich as anyone in this world. Letting go and being able to relax is the first step to realizing your own self-worth. And you are worth a lot!

[Yudron]

It makes me sad, too. You are not too dumb to learn the Dharma, and I just can't believe anyone would say that to you. Your Dad sounds like he is very troubled, and/or ill.

Our motivation as Dharma practitioners is to benefit all sentient beings equally, to never harm. You are being harmed by these words your father is saying, so they are not Dharma words.

Do you need some distance between you and your father right now?

[Lucent]

Thank you for your answer, Andrew. I really really wish it was that easy but the most I can right now is try. Thank you though. Your answer does make me feel a lot better.

Yudron, thank you very much for your reply, and the thing is, my dad knows he's ill... but he refuses to ever admit what he does is wrong in any way. At the same time he asks for sympathy from me and my mom because he has problems, which we are all very aware of. I truly want to help other people and I felt that I could really start by following this path which I see is wonderful and truly caring of all sentient beings. But after seeing my dad act the way he does and just randomly flipping out the way he did, for some reason I can't help but start to have doubts. Every time I see anything relating to Vajrayana or Buddhism in general I think of him and it ... this is really bad for me to say but it kinda makes me feel a bit sick, and very very depressed.

As for distance, at 16 years old I was kicked out, half a year or so later I ran away from my hometown and was homeless for a time. (I enjoyed it greatly and I learned so much. Leaving home was one of the best things to ever happen to me!!! Freedom after years of abuse!) I found a boyfriend I met over the internet when I was 17 and he wanted me to live with him. From where I am, it is 8 hours away from my mom and dad. I've been living here for 2 years now and I love it. If it was my choice, I would never go back to my parents house but my mom wants me to and I could never say no to her even if my dad makes me wanna kill myself every time I go near him. That's the only reason why I even came back there in the first place was because my mom wanted me to and I'm one of the only things she has in this world. I love her too much to make her suffer alone with my dad. But I don't hate my dad, I simply cannot stand him I have a level of respect for him since he did raise me and all and he's been through a lot, but I can't stand to be around him. He doesn't believe me though, he thinks we're all plotting against him (No joke) and that we all hate him. He honestly believes we only want his money, in fact, when he kicked me out he didn't really want me to leave he tried stopping me by taking away all my stuff. I laughed, packed my clothes, my school supplies, and was gone he next morning without him knowing I actually left.

Honestly though I'm quite depressed still because today my mom called me and brought up everything that happened in the past. I've been pulling my hair out like crazy ever since that incident and my practice went from being extremely well paced and fun to a very emotional depressing chore. I'm disappointed in myself for allowing myself to be affected so greatly by this, but it's mostly true. I really am stupid, and I am still clueless. Still...


This next part is completely optional.


This is pretty long but the general story if it helps clear anything up (kinda?). Here's what happened to cause everything, one night when he was yelling at my mom I hit him when he grabbed her by the ear and yanked her over to him while raising his hand to hit her in the face. He punched me in the face (as I did him) and he told me to get out of his house, so I said 'okay' and left. He was angry before that, but after that one incident he blamed everything on my mom and directed his rage towards her. I still blame myself because I thought I was protecting her but I just made it worse because she refuses to leave him even after he's pointed a loaded gun at her head and threatened her multiple times, destroyed her jewelry/purses, hit her, threatening to burn the house down and leave her alone with nothing, emotionally and mentally abuses her pretty much every day. And I blame myself for never being able to help. However, after I left he had some sort of breakdown and seeked "answers". That's when he found Vajrayana and started doing his research leading him to someone that led him to his now teacher. Under his teacher's instruction he invited me back to his home where we had a very uncomfortable and awkward trip up to the mountain where his teacher was. Things happened, and for once in my life I was sure of something and left Catholicism for this new path which is what I was looking for, for years. (that's a whole different story) I met Lingtrul Rinpoche, and my father's teacher who I never truly learned the name of so I just called him Rinpoche, and Getse Rinpoche. I had no clue who any of them were at the time, but Lingtrul Rinpoche ended up accepting me as his student/disciple on the second day I was up there which was the day that I openly said wanted to follow that path (I am EXTREMELY grateful for that!!! Because I'm a horrible student...). I took refuge (I think that's what it's called?) and I was never happier... In fact, I've never been so sure of something in my entire life! until the 4th day when we got home. Everything went downhill and my dad kept forcing me to study study study nonstop. I was so confused, I didn't know the terms (I still don't!!!) there was so much to take in and I was overwhelmed. But he kept insisting and that's when I tried calling my fiance because he is very clingy and wanted to talk to me as I wanted to talk to him. My father became very angry! Told me that I was lazy and that I needed to hurry up and continue studying. So I was a bit annoyed, I'd been reading a book for 2-3 days straight literally nonstop (The Words of My Perfect Teacher) and I felt that I didn't learn much because I was so confused. At the same time he kept forcing me to watch videos, read all sorts of things, it was VERY stressful and confusing for me! So I simply raised my voice a bit when I got frustrated, I didn't even yell and that's when he started belittling me. I was so confident when I first started my "journey", but now my confidence and faith is brittle and falling apart every single day. I can't help it and I don't know what to do. After I raised my voice at him and he got done yelling at me, he kicked me out a second time (which I find hilarious to be honest) and told me he never wanted to see me ever again in his life. So...... yeah.......

[Andrew108]

The level of abuse is very high. This situation needs professional intervention. You and your mum need a safe place. You are the victim here and so is your mum. It's not your fault that this has happened and neither is it your mum's fault. It's also incorrect to think that you can change you dad's behaviour (if you ever did think that).
I certainly don't think that dharma will help your father (not in the short term). Dharma can help you. For just a few minutes a day you make a choice to let everything go. Just let go. Two minutes a day. You will find peace. And that's your refuge. The peace of letting go of your thoughts and recollections just for a few minutes. Of course you are not avoiding your responsibility to your mum. But if you can relax then you are coming from a strong place. This letting go meditation will help you build up the personal strength you need. Meditation is a joy. But if you think of it like a job or something you have to do then you wont want to do it. Even two minutes can seem too long. So why not just meditate for a few seconds and let everything go. If you do 10 seconds of meditation 12 times a day then that will really be effective. And you can do that anywhere.
You haven't done anything wrong and neither has your mother. You both need to be in a safe place and your dad will have to sort out his abusive behaviour by himself and hopefully with the help of professionals. Look for a future without abuse and your mum should keep that in mind. Abusive relationships are very very difficult to remove yourself from. But it rarely gets better. I'm sorry to say this but at the moment, for your mum and you, distance from your father wouldn't be a bad thing. Thanks for sharing your situation with us and you and your mum are in my prayers. When you need to talk about things people here on these forums will always listen.

[greentara]

Pretty shocking stuff. A dysfunctional family, mind you lots of families are dysfunctional. I find your fathers greatest problem is constantly looking for a scapegoat; this is not as rare as you may think....it's quite common. If you can just allow yourself to drop all thoughts and problems for even a few minutes, it would be beneficial. If you can stop brooding that would help as well.
To be honest you're between a rock and a hard place. Please don't continue carrying this burden, unload it and place if at the feet of a deity you worship.

[lobster]

Gosh Lucent,

. . . Not easy. Crazy and abusive parents . . . are still parents and I understand you wishing to help your mother. Having been through similar experiences, it does change.

Distance from the situation, might be a way towards helping. Being drawn into it, will not resolve anything from what you describe. You really need to be aware of what resources and solutions are available. These sound limited? Perhaps hearing your potential solutions is the most we can offer . . .

Best wishes

[Lucent]

@Andrew- We did get professional help once (more or less), but it ended in me temporarily being put in a really horrible foster home, my mom having an emotional breakdown cause she thought my dad was going to kill her, and my mom told everyone that I was lying when the investigators asked me and I told the truth. My dad obviously lied as well, so my family was put back and nothing changed except my dad's rage towards my mom grew... a lot. Eventually we saw psychologists but my dad never let anyone talk, he was always talk constantly about how his life was horrible and no one loved him and how he "works so hard but no one appreciates or helps him". Nothing will ever change honestly, I don't think. He had banned my mom from visiting her mother, but ever since he came into the Dharma he has paid for trips for my mom to go to Vietnam to visit her mom.... But that's the only good thing I see to come out of it really. My mom refuses to leave him and he refuses to let her live elsewhere. So they are stuck in the same house with no chance of separation because they both want to stay together for some reason. I wish I could do that meditation but I have no clue how to meditate lol

@greentara- I don't really think I worship any deities. I have no clue what to do where I'm at now, I just know facts and a few things here and there but that's about it. If it was my choice I would completely forget about my parents and live my life, but I can't do that because my mom is extremely clingy and she needs me. I'm surprised she hasn't killed herself yet to be honest, even though she tried it once. I'm so stressed out because there's nothing I can do, but every time I tried escaping his never-ending problem, I get dragged back into it. It doesn't help that my mom's an enabler and my dad is really crazy. Growing up, my brother was very distant so he didn't have to deal with my parents fighting (or my dad fighting everyone rather) so I ended up always having to put up with it. I want to leave and forget about it, but I can't because it's always happening and my mom calls me all the time.

@Lobster- Thank you, but I think we've used up all our chances. I've given my mom multiple opportunities to leave but she refuses to go. She defends my dad and would even put me in danger or make me seem like I'm the liar deceiver and sometimes even make me look like an idiot--- all to protect my dad's reputation. She will do anything in her power to protect him, when someone called he police on the abuse going on at my home I told the investigators everything. My mom told the investigators that I lied to he counselor at school who called the police. She told them that I lied about he abuse because "my dad took my phone away and I was mad". And in the end, I was seen as some childish liar that overreacted and the case was swiftly forgotten. Nothing got better and it only got worse. When this was going on they separated my mom from my dad and put her in a "safe house" where she had the chance to leave for good. She didn't want to, she wanted to go back home with him. She didn't want him in jail, she did everything she could to save him. Then everyone kept telling me about how bad of a child I was for putting "my poor father through such hell". They laughed in my face, made fun of me. My blood boils just thinking about it now. Somehow I turned into the laughing stock of everyone, I was just some spoiled lying brat to them. Leaving was the best thing I ever did to myself, but like all good things it didn't last. My mom kept begging and begging me to come back to visit and so I had no choice. Even now she's trying to control me, pestering me about a job (I've been looking for a job for 2 years still with no luck!!!) and college (No job means no money for college and I refuse to get into huge debt because my fiance is in 25,000 dollar debt thanks to college. Also, his degree is useless since he applied a 8 different places and they all turned him down.) She's stressing me out and when I tell her she laughs at me and tells me "What do you know about stress? You're still too young to be stressed out." Nevermind the fact that I lived in better conditions on the street than I do now or that we struggle paying the bills,

agghhh sorry for ranting I'll shut up now. There's just a lot going on and my parents are my number 1 source of stress but I can't ignore them. I don't want to call them a burden because they ARE my parents but at this point that's exactly what they are... at least emotionally/mentally. I don't know what to think or feel anymore. I'm not saying my life sucks or that they had it easy, because they had very hard difficult lives, but they're trying to push me so much to do everything they want even if it means I'll probably die early of a heart attack here in a few years what's funny is that my dad used to yell at me for getting scared easily. Like when I'm on the computer or something and he goes in the room and says something and I don't know he's there. I'll jump and kinda say "Agh!!" and he'd yell at me saying that I'm gonna end up dying of a heart attack one day if I didn't quit getting surprised all the time. :/ I can't help it.... lol. But anyway. Sorry... It does feel good to get this off my chest but I feel extremely guilty as well. v_v; I suppose at this point there really is nothing I can do for my parents OR myself.

[kirtu]

Lucent - I come from an abusive home background. You need to get out of the situation. Your lama already has said something significant to your Dad even though it looks like it's not much, Don't abandon your parents but you need to get into a sane and supportive situation.

Can you do that without living on the streets(which is neither sane nor supportive)? From your English you are living in the US or Canada and come from a traditional Vietnamese family. Are you able to move in with some nice friends in your city and engage in a healthy and sane life?

Kirt

[Lucent]

Lucent - I come from an abusive home background. You need to get out of the situation. Your lama already has said something significant to your Dad even though it looks like it's not much, Don't abandon your parents but you need to get into a sane and supportive situation.

Can you do that without living on the streets(which is neither sane nor supportive)? From your English you are living in the US or Canada and come from a traditional Vietnamese family. Are you able to move in with some nice friends in your city and engage in a healthy and sane life?

Kirt

I've been living away from my parents for 3 years now but I'm still stuck in the situation because I keep getting dragged into it by my mom calling me and telling me this and that, asking me to do things for her, etc. I'm living with my fiance now, for 2 years. There's nothing I can do because even here I'm depressed because my mom puts so much stress on me even though she's 8 hours away. I can't just ignore her calls or she'll flip out on me.

[kirtu]

I've been living away from my parents for 3 years now but I'm still stuck in the situation because I keep getting dragged into it by my mom calling me and telling me this and that, asking me to do things for her, etc. I'm living with my fiance now, for 2 years. There's nothing I can do because even here I'm depressed because my mom puts so much stress on me even though she's 8 hours away. I can't just ignore her calls or she'll flip out on me.

Sorry - I misunderstood. If your Mom will not seek help, there is nothing you can do. Please try not to be depressed and drop the stress as much as possible. You can do nothing to help the situation, at least not in the short-term.

The short meditation that was mentioned will help you. Just drop everything for two minutes and focus on your breath, just your breath, the in breath and the out breath just follow it.

Kirt

[Lucent]

I've been living away from my parents for 3 years now but I'm still stuck in the situation because I keep getting dragged into it by my mom calling me and telling me this and that, asking me to do things for her, etc. I'm living with my fiance now, for 2 years. There's nothing I can do because even here I'm depressed because my mom puts so much stress on me even though she's 8 hours away. I can't just ignore her calls or she'll flip out on me.

Sorry - I misunderstood. If your Mom will not seek help, there is nothing you can do. Please try not to be depressed and drop the stress as much as possible. You can do nothing to help the situation, at least not in the short-term.

The short meditation that was mentioned will help you. Just drop everything for two minutes and focus on your breath, just your breath, the in breath and the out breath just follow it.

Kirt

I guess the most I can do is try. Thank you, Kirtu

[Yudron]

Lucent, you need the support of sane people in your real life. Who could that be? Do you know?

[greentara]

Lucent, I see that your mother is a traditional wife, her self esteem and worth is entangled in her husband being by her side. They are also in business together which means shared money and concerns. As stated before your father is using everyone as a convenient scapegoat. If you have no deity you worship then unload your problems at the Lord Buddhas feet.
You are 8 hours away! Distance yourself, steel yourself metally from the constant drama being played out. Seriously ask yourself what are you getting out of this mess?
Concentrate instead on your employment and job seeking efforts. Regarding your boyfriend ....this is a common tale young people finishing university and still not being able to find work.
The government and politicians have alot to answer for, too much hyperbole and promises that can't be honoured.
In olden times consummate liars were put into the stocks and pelted with rotten fruit. But these days a career in politics beckons.

[Lucent]

Yudron,
Probably my fiance and his family.

Greentara,
I wish it was that easy (And I suppose that it is) but my problem follows me. My mom is extremely clingy, and I can't blame her. She calls me all the time and old problems are always being brought up while I find out about new problems arising at home. My mom has no one to talk to, only so I can't deny her that. I suppose it's my own fault for allowing myself to get stuck into this position. Thank you for your answer though. Hopefully I'll find a way of forgetting about this completely soon.

[lobster]

You are not a bad person. You are a good person trying to deal with a difficult situation. Would it perhaps be fair to say your mother if supported by you, is making her behaviour more acceptable - when it is not?

I feel distance on as many levels as possible, will be helpful to at least one person. You.

Be kind to at least one person. You.

Relax. Practice. I hope you can look after one person. You.

[black_tea]

I am so sorry that you are having to go through such difficulty. The thing to remember is that you can't change other people's behavior, the only one you have control over is yourself -- and you need to take care of yourself first and foremost. That may sound selfish, but if you are suffering from depression and anxiety brought on by this horrible situation, you won't be able to help anyone else.

It sounds like maybe you need to set some boundaries with your mother, a thing that is perhaps easier said than done, since it's natural to want to be there for our family members. However, your mother has choices too, but it's up to her to make them. Be supportive of your mom if she tries to make positive changes, but don't let her drag you under with her -- that doesn't help her or you, it only perpetuates a destructive cycle. If her constantly dragging up the past is too much for you, then don't have that conversation with her. It's ok to say enough is enough. Also, have you considered therapy for yourself? It could help to have a supportive person to talk to that can help you navigate through all of these difficulties.

And lastly, you are not too stupid to practice dharma. The dharma is there and accessibly to everyone who feels drawn to it -- the Buddha accepted all kinds of people and had compassion for everyone. Your dad's negative reaction to your practice says a lot more about him than it does you. I am so sad that anyone would have said such things to you and discouraged you like that.

I wish you the very best and hope things get better for you

[MaitriYNOD]

I m really sorry to hear that. I have very little experience in the Dharma, but from many of my teachers, for every three stories I hear about amazing mahasiddhas, I hear at least one about someone who really got themselves in trouble. Dharma in general, let alone the profound Vajrayana, involves working with your mind in very intense ways, and if you approach this process with the wrong intention, or try to do advanced practices before you've laid a foundation, I think a person can easily make themselves more mentally unstable under the guise of Dharma practice. Gampopa once said that if it is not practiced correctly, the Dharma can become the cause for lower rebirth. Buddhist practice wasn't intended to cure sever mental illness, it was intended to cure the fundamental mental illness we all share. But the skillful means prescribed for "healthy" minds would not and are not the same as those directed towards a being with serious disturbances.

I think what's at issue here is the mental hardship your father is undergoing, not whether or not Vajrayana is good or bad. Having an unstable loved one is an extremely stressful and sad experience, and all three of you have my compassion. Would it be possible to talk to your teacher in private about these things? It may even turn out that your mutual Lama is the wrong person to speak with about this, and if that's the case, is there any way to get your Dad professional care? An episode like the threatened self-immolation is a serious matter. Please keep yourself and your mother safe from harm.