I then began practicing the Buddha-name recitation (Amitabha) for who knows how long and I don't even care for long. This type of meditation helps me.
Anyway, through this exploration process, I found out that we are amazed, frightened, surprised, etc. by what we can find within ourselves! It gave me hope because that means I can change myself. I dont know everything and I learned. Sometimes I get lost and know that it's okay to ask for help and directions along the way.
Sometimes, I fear being not humble. I recalled the instance with the guy who called me stupid. I was having a hard time wishing him well until I visualized him and prostrated. I did this as a way to make myself "let go" of this aversion and ego. The prostration really helped because instead of analyzing it, I just DID it because the THOUGHT of prostrating even to his visualized image made me irk with my own ego and my ego was just not having it! It was saying "No! you are NOT prostrating to this guy that just insulted you!" It was a scary experience. It is enough to intellectualize that he too possesses Buddha-nature and wisdom but it's different to actually ENGAGE. Perhaps I was also prostrating his Buddha-nature?
Lowering the body and touching the head to the ground in and of itself cultivates humility and egolessness, which are mental states. It doesn’t matter what we think about it; all that matters is that we do it.
Sometimes along the way, I am frightened by the inner maras. It makes me want to flee but I know I CANT flee because the inner maras will be there. I recognize that I cant because after all, I reside within myself and I can't escape myself in the same way I can walk away from a confrontation.
Friends, what can I do?