A Question on sexual harassment....

Discuss your personal experience with the Dharma here. How has it enriched your life? What challenges does it present?

A Question on sexual harassment....

Postby broomhill81 » Tue Aug 13, 2013 8:22 pm

Hi :)

I recently stopped talking to a good friend because of sexual harassment.
I asked my friend to please stop touching me in inappropriate ways, etc and that it made me uncomfortable.
He kept making excuses for his behavior saying that he "couldn't help it" etc. I just felt that this friendship isn't based on mutual respect so that's why we stopped talking. I'm not very upset about it because I get it. But, did I do the right thing?
broomhill81
 
Posts: 1
Joined: Tue Aug 13, 2013 8:17 pm

Re: A Question on sexual harassment....

Postby Ayu » Tue Aug 13, 2013 9:02 pm

Yes. ;)
Because, if our mothers, who have been kind to us
From beginningless time, are suffering,
What can we do with (just) our own happiness?
From 10th of 37 Bodhisattva Practices
User avatar
Ayu
 
Posts: 828
Joined: Mon Oct 29, 2012 8:25 am
Location: Europe

Re: A Question on sexual harassment....

Postby yan kong » Thu Aug 15, 2013 8:49 pm

Ayu wrote:Yes. ;)


I second that response.
User avatar
yan kong
 
Posts: 115
Joined: Thu Jul 05, 2012 1:01 am

Re: A Question on sexual harassment....

Postby Dorje Shedrub » Thu Aug 15, 2013 9:00 pm

No one has the right to touch you without your consent. You asked your friend to stop. If your friend doesnt respect you enough to honor your wishes then that person is not much of a friend. Wish them well and move on with no regrets.
User avatar
Dorje Shedrub
 
Posts: 45
Joined: Tue Apr 07, 2009 11:23 pm
Location: Indiana, USA

Re: A Question on sexual harassment....

Postby shel » Thu Aug 15, 2013 9:06 pm

Yes. If he can't help it you might go even a step further and warn others who may be in harms way.
shel
 
Posts: 1346
Joined: Fri Mar 12, 2010 9:38 pm

Re: A Question on sexual harassment....

Postby greentara » Fri Aug 16, 2013 12:52 am

'Broomhill81, ' I asked my friend to please stop touching me in inappropriate ways' Seriously is this how you talk to someone face to face? This sort of clinician speak? I would say "Stop that!" or "How dare you? speak directly! I would definately just push him away!
greentara
 
Posts: 891
Joined: Tue Apr 03, 2012 4:03 am

Re: A Question on sexual harassment....

Postby shel » Fri Aug 16, 2013 1:04 am

greentara wrote:'Broomhill81, ' I asked my friend to please stop touching me in inappropriate ways' Seriously is this how you talk to someone face to face? This sort of clinician speak? I would say "Stop that!" or "How dare you? speak directly! I would definately just push him away!

He might think you were just being playful or hard to get. Clinician speak leaves no room for doubt, and as you suggest, it's a real turn-off.
shel
 
Posts: 1346
Joined: Fri Mar 12, 2010 9:38 pm

Re: A Question on sexual harassment....

Postby rory » Thu Sep 26, 2013 6:51 am

No, no one is allowed to touch you unless invited. You should be angry; this isn't a friend this is a predator, who will do it again. If you are a woman you need to speak up and loudly about this. Does another woman touch you inappropriately; could you even imagine such a thing happening without an express invitation? I bet not. You need to hold men to the same standard.
gassho
rory
Honmon Butsuryu Shu USA http://www.beikokuhbs.com/about-us.html

NamuMyohoRengeKyo
User avatar
rory
 
Posts: 550
Joined: Mon May 16, 2011 8:08 am
Location: SouthEast USA

Re: A Question on sexual harassment....

Postby Luke » Sat Oct 05, 2013 9:40 am

broomhill81 wrote:Hi :)

I recently stopped talking to a good friend because of sexual harassment.
I asked my friend to please stop touching me in inappropriate ways, etc and that it made me uncomfortable.
He kept making excuses for his behavior saying that he "couldn't help it" etc. I just felt that this friendship isn't based on mutual respect so that's why we stopped talking. I'm not very upset about it because I get it. But, did I do the right thing?

Yes, it sounds like you did the right thing.

Clearly he wants to be "more than friends" and you don't, so the best course of action is to avoid him. Deep down, most single non-monastic straight men don't want to be "just friends" with women whom they find attractive. They often think of women romantically from the beginning even if the women never thought of them that way.

Although perhaps if he finds a girlfriend, you and he might be able to be "just friends" again. If he is not a totally evil jerk, then maybe you could introduce him to some of your single female friends if any of them find him attractive. It's hard to tell from what you wrote if he is really a sexual predator or is just a very lonely man who was very tempted by your beauty.
User avatar
Luke
 
Posts: 1560
Joined: Mon Apr 06, 2009 9:04 pm

Re: A Question on sexual harassment....

Postby greentara » Sun Oct 06, 2013 4:57 am

Luke you're a good guy, pointing out the man maybe lonely. Indeed I think alot of missed signals come from isolation in this society. Think.... someone touching you uninvited is a bit creepy; you wouldn't introduce them to a girlfriend, not someone with straying hands and fingertips.
greentara
 
Posts: 891
Joined: Tue Apr 03, 2012 4:03 am

Re: A Question on sexual harassment....

Postby Luke » Sun Oct 06, 2013 3:00 pm

greentara wrote:Luke you're a good guy, pointing out the man maybe lonely. Indeed I think alot of missed signals come from isolation in this society.

Hmm, upon re-reading the OP, I think you might be right.

I think the fact that he tried once is understandable, because even after the advent of feminism, men are still in the position of having to make the first move if they want to get things "out of the friend zone."

But the fact that he kept touching her even after she asked him to stop is worrying.

So yeah, Broomhill, don't worry, you did the right thing by staying away from him. It's important to keep yourself safe so that you don't find yourself in a really bad situation with him sometime in the future.

But I don't know how good of a friend he was to you. Maybe you could just give him some general advice, such as suggesting a physical place or website where he could meet some women. Once he gets a girlfriend, he might be less of a "loose cannon" causing the local women trouble.

greentara wrote:Think.... someone touching you uninvited is a bit creepy; you wouldn't introduce them to a girlfriend, not someone with straying hands and fingertips.
Okay, I think we both agree about the OP.

But just out of curiosity, do you really verbally give men explicit permission to touch you, even in romantic situations?
"Male Earth companion, you may begin touching me now!" lol

In dating societies (where there aren't arranged marriages), men are always in the position of having to "go in for the kill." And if we never attempt to get physical with women, it's likely that it would never happen (unless we are Johnny Depp lol). However, these advances should be halted when the woman in question shows that she doesn't want them.
User avatar
Luke
 
Posts: 1560
Joined: Mon Apr 06, 2009 9:04 pm

Re: A Question on sexual harassment....

Postby greentara » Mon Oct 07, 2013 9:33 am

Luke, Was it the Buddha who said 'men like to strut and women like to cling?' Maybe not, anyway I'm not a staunch feminist so all I can say is women want to both strut and cling.
Since they joined the workforce en mass women can be just as manipulative and power hungry as men. So don't put women or men on a pedestal as both are flawed.
If you can't read women, then take it nice and slow and see if you can befriend her first before making any obvious romantic moves.
greentara
 
Posts: 891
Joined: Tue Apr 03, 2012 4:03 am


Return to Personal Experience

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 7 guests

>