Marriage – a Dhamma point of view

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Marriage – a Dhamma point of view

Postby reddust » Tue Dec 03, 2013 3:49 am

I'm married to my best friend, he was my best friend before I was attracted to him. I was afraid to ask him out because I didn't want to take the chance of ruining a good friendship. Many of you I am sure have been there yourselves. Over the years we've been through many obstacles, both of us are practicing Buddhist but we aren't of the same Buddhist school. There have been some challenges there. I meditate, he doesn't. But he is a better buddhist then I am. I saw this article and I thought many of you may enjoy it. I think having something other than sexual attraction is very important regarding long term healthy marriages and relationships. Many times along the road of life one of the couples may get sick or lose sexual attraction but the bond of spiritual friendship remains strong if tended like a garden.

Marriage forms an integral part of our lives. Thus, before we enter this union, we need to analyse carefully the reason why we marry. If we cannot find a good reason, it means that we are probably not ready to marry. Love alone is not reliable, because it is likely we may change our minds later. There should be something greater, something that makes a marriage worthwhile, a binding of two lives. Whoever wants to enter a marriage should contemplate carefully. Indeed, the purpose of marriage is to be a true friend to one another, to look out for each other, and to be a partner in the pursuit of Perfections. Ideally, a married couple should share an equal faith in The Triple Gem, The Five Precepts, The Right View and The Law of Kamma.

In life, we will encounter many obstacles, stress and problems because our world is governed by what is known as The Eight Worldly Conditions (Lokadhamma), which states that “nothing is constant, everything is subjected to change”. These conditions comprise gain and loss, dignity and obscurity, praise and blame, as well as happiness and pain.

Our attachment to worldly matters always results in suffering. As a result, our efforts in the pursuit of Perfections can run into obstacles and we can lose sight of the ultimate goal of achieving Nibbana. A good soulmate can play an important role in steering us back onto the right path, the path of Dhamma. If our partner falters in his or her pursuit of Perfections, it should also be our responsibility to help the person get back on the path.http://www.thebuddhism.net/2013/10/19/marriage-a-dhamma-point-of-view/
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Re: Marriage – a Dhamma point of view

Postby dzogchungpa » Tue Dec 03, 2013 4:07 am



Nice looking couple. She seemed to have a little trouble keeping that crown on. :smile:
ཨོཾ་ཏཱ་རེ་ཏུཏྟ་རེ་ཏུ་རེ་སྭཱཧཱ༔
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Re: Marriage – a Dhamma point of view

Postby Lindama » Tue Dec 03, 2013 4:59 am

Red,
are those your thoughts... and how do they relate to the royal couple?

Either way, it is so conceptual that it is suffocating for me.
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Re: Marriage – a Dhamma point of view

Postby reddust » Tue Dec 03, 2013 5:10 am

Lindama wrote:Red,
are those your thoughts... and how do they relate to the royal couple?

Either way, it is so conceptual that it is suffocating for me.


Define conceptual: of, relating to, or based on mental concepts.

Lindama, jeeze breathe girl! I see marriage as a business arrangement too…hahaha

It's really hard to get metaphysical for me, I lack the proper writing skills. The article had a nice photo of this lovely royal couple, I used it because practically speaking I agree with this article. I mean washing dishes, chopping wood sort of way. Now the free flow you like, well, that goes without saying :D

In the video….Did you see how the crown didn't want to stay on the lovely ladies head and she seemed all serious and kind of scared and the king had a kind smile.

Regarding what love is, that was my second research subject in Buddhism when I first woke up to my plight years ago. What is knowledge was my first….for me Love means to care beyond my own comfort or needs but not to the point of harming me per my codependent therapy sessions :twothumbsup:

Mind can free flow but the body is limited, must take care of this body, it's my ticket into the this realm. EDIT Also this matrix is hypersexualizing everyone into this kind of casual consuming of sex and relationships I find absolutely disgusting.

EDIT: I read the article over 3 more times, I still agree with what it says, I guess I am old fashion, a stick in the mud, and I've found this works really well for my intimate relationships.
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Re: Marriage – a Dhamma point of view

Postby dzogchungpa » Tue Dec 03, 2013 5:44 am

reddust wrote:In the video….Did you see how the crown didn't want to stay on the lovely ladies head and she seemed all serious and kind of scared and the king had a kind smile.

What, they don't have bobby pins in Bhutan?

:shrug:
ཨོཾ་ཏཱ་རེ་ཏུཏྟ་རེ་ཏུ་རེ་སྭཱཧཱ༔
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Re: Marriage – a Dhamma point of view

Postby Lindama » Tue Dec 03, 2013 5:51 am

hey redgirl,
I hadn't watched the vid or followed the link... no matter. The marriage is high royal ceremony... did you think that they could elope? Clearly, they are trying to get through it, he's smiling to reassure her. Wouldn't you need some reassurance. I once attended a Sikh wedding at the temple... I was a friend of the family... they gifted me with clothes to wear. It was here in CA, but culturally far away. The life they live today is far from that ritual, it is rich and varied. I could only pay my respects. And, I was included as part of the family. They had culture and tradition to uphold in the royal arena. It is not our arena here in the west.

Some ppl say marriage is a business arrangement. Analyze, a partner in the pursuit of the perfections... pretty conceptual to me and things to consider in a royal union. What about just simple practical care for another... you are not responsible for their perfections which is a round about way of expecting them to care for yours. I don't believe in soul mates. When we have a precious life with another, we nourish it and honor it. The perfections will take care of themselves, if they need to.

Actually, the vid is a marriage from a royal point of view, dharma has nothing to do with it in my view. whose dharma?
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Re: Marriage – a Dhamma point of view

Postby reddust » Tue Dec 03, 2013 6:01 am

Lindama wrote:hey redgirl,
I hadn't watched the vid or followed the link... no matter. The marriage is high royal ceremony... did you think that they could elope? Clearly, they are trying to get through it, he's smiling to reassure her. Wouldn't you need some reassurance. I once attended a Sikh wedding at the temple... I was a friend of the family... they gifted me with clothes to wear. It was here in CA, but culturally far away. The life they live today is far from that ritual, it is rich and varied. I could only pay my respects. And, I was included as part of the family. They had culture and tradition to uphold in the royal arena. It is not our arena here in the west.

Some ppl say marriage is a business arrangement. Analyze, a partner in the pursuit of the perfections... pretty conceptual to me and things to consider in a royal union. What about just simple practical care for another... you are not responsible for their perfections which is a round about way of expecting them to care for yours. I don't believe in soul mates. When we have a precious life with another, we nourish it and honor it. The perfections will take care of themselves, if they need to.

Actually, the vid is a marriage from a royal point of view, dharma has nothing to do with it in my view. whose dharma?


I wasn't talking royalty just mundane marriage and relationships…I think the article was doing the same. hehehe :heart: :heart: :heart:
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Re: Marriage – a Dhamma point of view

Postby Lindama » Tue Dec 03, 2013 6:06 am

well, that's why I asked. Still, conceptual to me. Is there one iota of how to be in a successful relationship in the article?
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Re: Marriage – a Dhamma point of view

Postby reddust » Tue Dec 03, 2013 6:18 am

Lindama wrote:well, that's why I asked. Still, conceptual to me. Is there one iota of how to be in a successful relationship in the article?


Yes, follow the virtues, be nice and kind, be a good friend….That's why I posted this article…and sheeeeeze, I thought I could stay out of trouble on this one :stirthepot: :tongue:
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Re: Marriage – a Dhamma point of view

Postby reddust » Tue Dec 03, 2013 6:25 am

dzogchungpa wrote:
reddust wrote:In the video….Did you see how the crown didn't want to stay on the lovely ladies head and she seemed all serious and kind of scared and the king had a kind smile.

What, they don't have bobby pins in Bhutan?

:shrug:



The Monks didn't have any? :jawdrop:
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Re: Marriage – a Dhamma point of view

Postby shaunc » Tue Dec 03, 2013 7:23 am

Lindama wrote:well, that's why I asked. Still, conceptual to me. Is there one iota of how to be in a successful relationship in the article?


The trick I believe in being in a successful marriage is putting the family's needs ahead of your own. In my particular case there's my wife, 4 kids & me. Mathematically my happiness is a paltry 17% of the whole unit. In practical terms, what it means is that a tank of fuel in the family car is more important to the family's well being than me having a trip to the dog track. My wife is a practising catholic & I practise Buddhism (in a haphazard way). This has resulted in our kids learning both. Personally I don't believe that it's necessary for both partners to believe the same thing but there must be at least a respect for the other persons religion/culture. At our wedding there was a catholic priest as well as an old woman that was a Filipina shaman, after the wedding we were also blessed by some Buddhist monks. We've been having a little bit each-way ever since. The other thing that I neglected to mention but is just as important is that both partners have to be committed to making the relationship work. We've never argued over money, if she's broke, I'm broke. If I'm cashed up she's cashed up. Yes, marriage in some ways is a business partnership as well & you have to trust the other person, after all would you do businesses with someone you didn't trust?
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Re: Marriage – a Dhamma point of view

Postby greentara » Tue Dec 03, 2013 8:08 am

Here's one of my favorite Buffett quotes: "It's kind of ... "What's the secret of a great marriage? It's not looks, nor intelligence, nor money -- it's low expectations."
There's alot of truth to the above quote.
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Re: Marriage – a Dhamma point of view

Postby Lindama » Tue Dec 03, 2013 3:42 pm

@ Shaunc
Yes, thanks for sharing that. :twothumbsup:
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Re: Marriage – a Dhamma point of view

Postby mandala » Tue Dec 03, 2013 3:57 pm

Marriage forms an integral part of our lives.


You lost me with the first sentence.Not everyone bases their lives around getting married and producing children. Of course, if you have that commitment then your life (and your dharma practice) necessarily revolves around those relationships.
However, marriage itself is fairly irrelevant in Buddhism.
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Re: Marriage – a Dhamma point of view

Postby tidathep » Tue Dec 03, 2013 4:06 pm

Sawaddee Ka..Reddust/Shaunc,

I really like your attitude about good marriage....I like your love story.

tidathep/เยาวเรศ :good:
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Re: Marriage – a Dhamma point of view

Postby futerko » Tue Dec 03, 2013 4:22 pm

greentara wrote:Here's one of my favorite Buffett quotes: "It's kind of ... "What's the secret of a great marriage? It's not looks, nor intelligence, nor money -- it's low expectations."
There's alot of truth to the above quote.


:rolling:
we cannot get rid of God because we still believe in grammar - Nietzsche
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Re: Marriage – a Dhamma point of view

Postby Ayu » Tue Dec 03, 2013 9:42 pm

futerko wrote:
greentara wrote:Here's one of my favorite Buffett quotes: "It's kind of ... "What's the secret of a great marriage? It's not looks, nor intelligence, nor money -- it's low expectations."
There's alot of truth to the above quote.


:rolling:


Nothing to laugh about. :smile: It's absolutely true.
Because, if our mothers, who have been kind to us
From beginningless time, are suffering,
What can we do with (just) our own happiness?
From 10th of 37 Bodhisattva Practices
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Re: Marriage – a Dhamma point of view

Postby dzogchungpa » Tue Dec 03, 2013 10:08 pm

I recently watched "George Harrison: Living in the Material World", which btw was quite interesting, and at one point Olivia Harrison, George's wife, said something like "Do you want to know the secret to a lasting marriage? Don't get divorced."
ཨོཾ་ཏཱ་རེ་ཏུཏྟ་རེ་ཏུ་རེ་སྭཱཧཱ༔
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Re: Marriage – a Dhamma point of view

Postby reddust » Tue Dec 03, 2013 10:52 pm

dzogchungpa wrote:I recently watched "George Harrison: Living in the Material World", which btw was quite interesting, and at one point Olivia Harrison, George's wife, said something like "Do you want to know the secret to a lasting marriage? Don't get divorced."


If you don't get married there is no need for divorce :twothumbsup: seriously, I agree with you on that except if you figure out you're married to a psychopath :tongue:
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Re: Marriage – a Dhamma point of view

Postby greentara » Wed Dec 04, 2013 1:52 am

"The truth is alot of us cannot imagine life without a relationship, no matter how bad, how draining, how difficult or incompatible it may be.
We seem to be in a prologed pubescent drive to attract a mate" or keep a mate.
In addition many women well into middleage are still " Clattering around in tight clothes and high heels, bordering on the ridiculous. My friends and peers lived to attract, I spend my time, money and effort worried about how I looked and how others were reacting to me"
You'll even find people eighty plus looking for romance and marriage so maybe you can be a teenager for the rest of your life. Pehaps its a way of living the Hollywood dream.
Though one day you can wake up and ask is this it? What am I doing and why am I here?

Jeanette O'shea, journalist
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