I'm new to this board (found it yesterday), but not new to buddhism.
When i was 14 i decided that what happened in my life couldn't be everything, that there must be something else, and i decided to find out where it was, no matter how hard i had to practice. I had always the feeling of lack, but as a kid i didnt feel able to recognize how i truely was.
At that time i had the feeling that outer forces would keep me in a mental prison, from which it is nearly impossible to escape, if not totally impossible, since i live still in a mental prison. I firstly became depressed, didnt want to live anymore, didnt know what to do anymore, lost all hope. But then i found out that there is something, that people call "spirituality" and i soon found out, that this must be what i was searching for. And when i found out that some people state that there is such a state as "enlightenment" and that i could achieve it too, i made it into my biggest goal. I couldnt free myself from that goal-perspective since now. I always tried to do things the best i could, but it seems to me that it wasnt enough, because my life became very unnormal, lonesome and almost crazy. This must be caused by the many mistakes i've made.
How did I find to buddhism? I firstly read esoteric books and found later out, that some of them are more like money-making "machines", with a lot of ideas stolen from buddhism. And when I remembered a movie i've seen with buddhist monks sitting at the himalaya in a monastery, drinking tea in silence, I recognized the resonance in my stomach, which i had at that time when i've seen. I didnt understood it, but later I've recognized that this feeling was reminding me, of what was truely missing. So i started to practice zen buddhism and watched dogzchen teachings.
Later I got glimpses of who I truely am, for example when there was a little child greeting me and there was a light shining out of her chest, reminding me who i truly was (not what the thoughts are telling me about me).
But now I am thinking that its not such a experience, that i search, because it is something that comes and goes, but that i search something that is always here, that is permanent. I'm very confused and desperate at the moment, because all i want is this and i'm troubling myself in trying to get there.
Sometimes i dont see the possibility anymore to take right action. It feels as if it was completely out of my reach, as if things would happen without me. I dont know what happens with me, and i dont know anymore if its good or bad, i only see that I'm in a blind end, without any future, without the hope that it gets better.
Some years ago i could practice buddhism normally, but now i dont feel as if i could practice it anymore. It feels as if some force that is not myself is trying to keep me away from it. sounds paranoid and is maybe, but this is what is happening.
p.s.: I'm 22